On good men, good women, and marriage…after longer courtships

By Dr. Jeff Mirus ( bio - articles - email ) | Mar 24, 2026

Both young men and young women are having a rough time these days. They grow up in a culture of propaganda which constantly urges women to deny what makes them women and men to be ashamed of what makes them men. In what is perhaps a dramatic role reversal over the past few generations, men more frequently than women are seeking stability by entering the Catholic Church. But some things don’t change: Apart from God’s direct intervention, the best thing that can “happen” to a confused woman is most often a good man; and the best thing that can “happen” to a confused man is most often a good woman. It is a double shame, then, that our contemporary culture makes these combinations so hard to achieve.

This is a critical failure. More times than not, it takes a very good man to earn the trust that women today may find so hard to give to males. Yet, at the same time, it usually takes a very good woman to help a man to grow into the sort of deep strength which can only come from virtue. Today, unfortunately, the civilizational distrust of males is great enough in some circles to have reversed what used to be considered normal. In the not-so-distance past, we might have assumed that the woman needs to stabilize the man, including helping to center him spiritually. In many good relationships, I am sure this is still the case. But with increasing frequency, it seems that today’s man needs to help to spiritually stabilize today’s woman.

Gifts will vary, of course, and when we are young we all need “stabilization”—we all need to grow and be gradually confirmed in both virtue and sound judgment. This is as true of the man or woman preparing for a religious vocation as it is of the man and woman who are seeking to grow into an ever-closer relationship of mutual love. Today’s Catholics may well be more aware than those in previous generations of the need for a long and controlled preparation when pursuing a religious vocation, for the simple reason that such a commitment is expected to be very difficult—and hard to reverse. Embarking on that sort of vocation is considered both odd and risky. But when it comes to the mutual commitment of a man and a woman to each other we tend not to consider the dangers of inadequate preparation or a whirlwind romance.

Vocational prep

In preparing for marriage, as in preparing for a religious vocation, a long courtship is generally warranted. The possibility of failure due to lack of knowledge and preparation—or simply an ill-advised vocational decision—remains very great. It is true that a long courtship has its dangers, but it does create far better opportunities for self-knowledge, mutual knowledge, and personal growth before a life-long commitment. One might well argue that in many cases the Church’s highly structured preparation for the priesthood or religious life could be speeded up today (as it generally has been, I believe, for older candidates). But it takes only a modicum of sense to realize that society’s haphazard preparation for marriage ought, in most cases, to be more carefully structured…and substantially slowed. The Church herself imposes minimal delays and minimal marriage preparation programs before witnessing the sacrament of matrimony, and it is difficult to see how she could impose anything more; but since there are no formal periods of preparation for marriage in the civil order, the discrepancy between these minor ecclesiastical requirements and the formal preparation for a religious vocation is revealing.

Of course an appropriate preparation for an ecclesiastical or religious commitment is and ought to be regulated by the Church, whereas an appropriate preparation for marriage and family life ought to be orchestrated mostly by the customs and diligence of families within the larger social order, and perhaps to some degree encouraged even by civil law. Obviously a long period of “dating” can be an occasion for vice, especially in a society with few or no forms and procedures to guard against it. But a prolonged preparation for marriage as a life-long project ordered not only to the happiness of the couple but to children and the common good is also necessary. Much as ordination and religious vows are ordered to their own proper ends, this marital and familial ordering ought to be a strong element in any healthy culture. A significant preparatory period would be a salutary time of growth in self-knowledge, mutual knowledge, virtue, certainty, familial responsibility and ultimately stability.

A solution to this problem is presumably only within the reach of good families and good couples. But there ought to be a sense of working toward something that is not only serious but magnificent—something that is worthy of admiration precisely because it is so very challenging—something unselfish at a very deep level, which can be successful only through a progressive deepening of commitment, spiritual development, and mutual love. Moreover, we all need to become more aware that, just as spiritual growth and development are foundational to a successful religious or priestly vocation, so too are spiritual growth and development foundational to a successful marriage. Indeed, just as there is a very strong sense in which a future priest or religious must develop his or her own spirituality in a special relationship to both the spirituality of the Church and its particular manifestation in a diocese or a religious community, so too must a future husband and wife develop their own individual spiritualities in the context not only of the spirituality of the Church but of each other—a decidedly Catholic spousal and familial spirituality.

Not a purely natural process

Boys and girls, young men and young women, need to be taught from an early age that a vocation is a calling from Someone to someone, and that no vocation is purely natural. There is no guarantee that a man and a women who love to spend time with each other when they are young and restless will have developed the spiritual depth, personal characteristics, and understanding of each other’s particular gifts which are foundational for every successful marriage. All of these must gradually contribute to a harmonious blend of the personalities of the spouses—not only in the shared activities characteristic of dating but also in living and working together day by day and certainly in raising children moment by moment. This complementarity does not necessarily occur naturally, and even if it does begin to do so, it must also develop supernaturally.

Simply “being in love” at a naturally spontaneous level is not sufficient for the real task at hand. Something deeper is required, something founded in God, grace and sacrifice. It takes time, self-knowledge, and mutual knowledge to plumb these depths, and it takes the practice of courtship to discern whether a deeper spiritual commitment both to God and to the other is developing as it is surely supposed to develop, under the impetus of a love that is not only spontaneous and natural but supernaturally shaped and strengthened. It is especially important to recognize that every vocation must be tested and developed in prayer. Just as a priest or religious must develop strong habits of personal and communal prayer during a period of formation, the same ought to be true of couples who are considering a life-long relationship in marriage. And as with any fruitful vocation, even after the marriage, the same must be true of the life of the family itself.

Short of a broad cultural conversion, a rapid solution to the growing estrangement between men and women in the secular culture of the West does not seem likely, but the recipe for particular men and women and their good marriages ought to be clear by now. The modern Western response to the crisis has been not only to eliminate the permanence of marriage but to reduce it to a legal arrangement largely defined for householding and tax purposes—which would be only a matter of the tail wagging the dog if anything more than the tail were real. But Catholics ought to be in closer touch with reality than that. Indeed, Catholics ought to know how to prepare for marriage so that families thrive, souls see God…and, while we’re at it, even the household tax laws foster true marital love.