Because your are NOT lukewarm, I will spit you out

By Diogenes ( articles ) | Jun 18, 2004

(Inspired by the latest courageous stand taken by the US bishops)

A reading from the epistle of Paul Americanus to the Galatians:

O interesting Galatians! I am not entirely comfortable with some of things you may or may not be doing. I am forming a committee to draw up some guidelines that will help you grow as human persons. The committee's decisions will be published shortly after the Day of Judgment. Meanwhile, if any one is preaching to you a gospel contrary to that which you received, stamp your little feet. And please send me some more information about this former brother of ours, John Fisher, who has been causing disturbances among you. May God judge him accordingly. See with what a large computer I write. --Paulus Americanus

A second reading from the epistle of Paulus Americanus to Timothy:

Paulus Americanus, a member of several committess of the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops to Timothy, a fellow on the move: As I urged you when I was going to the Los Angeles Catechetical Congress, do not teach any doctrines that might upset the people of God. Indeed, do not teach any doctrines at all. Be a people pleaser. We know that the law is good, but do not make too big a thing of it. I urge that supplications, prayers, intercessions, and thanksgivings be made for all human persons, especially for the winner of the next election. Whoever that human person is, we were with him/her all along. We know that the law is nice if anyone wants to follow it.

We know that there have been among you profane slayers of human persons, perjurers, Republicans, non-transgendered, and some who refuse to offer hospitality to those who enjoy an alternate life style, but all that is history now, thank goodness.

Do your best to come to me soon. A few angular and unpastoral types have refused to help build community and have deserted me. Fabian of Nebraska did me much harm and refused to enter into dialogue with our happy bench of bishops. The editors of the Boston Globe strongly opposed my message. May it not be charged against them.

When you come, be sure to bring with you my new jacket from Ralph Lauren. And do not forget the latest copy of the National Catholic Reporter. Take a little Absolut vodka with a lemon twist for your stomach's sake. The Lord/Lady be with you. --Paulus Americanus