Refreshing—and shocking—realism about the marital bond

By Phil Lawler ( bio - articles - email ) | Mar 10, 2026 | In Reviews

Jennifer Bryson has done a great service for Catholic readers with her translations of the works of Ida Friederike Görres, a German Catholic essayist of whose insightful work drew the admiration of (among others) the young Father Joseph Ratzinger. Thanks to Bryson several English translations of this delightful author have appeared in quick succession in the past few years. The most recent is What Binds Marriage Forever, a collection of 102 very short and very provocative essays.

The fundamental point that Görres drives home is that the marital bond, the one-flesh union, is a reality, not just an abstract concept, not merely a question of physical and emotional attraction. A sacramental marriage in particular is a solemn covenant, a pledge to God as well as to the spouse. It is that covenant, not the emotional attachment, that forms the union. And whereas emotional ties can weaken and fail, the covenant endures.

Görres reminds the reader that for most of human history, marriages were arranged by families or tribes. Only fairly recently have young people been entirely free to choose their own partners. Yet those arranged marriages were real, and for the most part happy, unions. The bride and groom may not have felt any particular emotional attraction to each other—in fact, may not even have known each other—before the wedding. But with time, if they fulfilled their pledges to each other (and to God), their union could become a loving relationship.

That love, born of commitment, was and is more stable than a relationship based on mutual affection, Görres reminds us. To be sure, emotional and physical attraction strengthen the relationship. But the fiery passions that inspire poets can flame out, leaving both parties unsatisfied with their marriage. It is the dedication to help each other, to cherish and to honor one’s spouse, that cements a lasting partnership.

In the best of these essays Görres probes the challenging comparison that St. Paul makes between the union of husband and wife and that of Christ and his Church. The fundamental reality in the relationship is the wholehearted commitment: the readiness to sacrifice, the willingness to forgive, the pursuit of the spouse’s good, the striving to become one.

Yet while she explores these lofty topics, Görres writes in simple language, combining theological insights with heavy doses of common sense and the sort of earthy wisdom that wise women hand down to their daughters. Each one of the essays in this book can be read over a cup of coffee, then pondered for the remainder of the day.

Just for example, Görres observes that religious vows are very much like marital vows, insofar as they involve a covenantal relationship and create a new reality. The monk or nun, like the bride or groom, has made a lifelong commitment, which even the authority of the Church cannot (except in extraordinary circumstances) dissolve. If a marriage becomes a complete disaster, the Church may reluctantly advise the couple to live separately, but they cannot remarry. Why, then, Görres wonders, are monks and nuns who leave their orders given permission to marry in the Church? Is it not scandalous, for that matter, when priests who leave ministry often marry after having been laicized—indeed often are laicized so that they may marry? A priest is a priest forever; this too is a reality that remains in spite of any outward signs.

Writing in the 1960s, Görres also saw and deplored the scandalous proliferation of annulments, given on grounds of psychological immaturity or some similar deficiency in one or both parties. Even a very immature adult can make a commitment. The real issue here, Görres argues, is that young people are not properly instructed in the reality of the sacramental bond, so that…

…even believers or those who consider themselves to be believers, do not, in fact, have the threefold will to fertility, exclusivity, and duration until death, which, according to Church doctrine, alone creates the actual indissolubility of the marriage covenant. In practice, they marry on a trial basis, with the caveat perhaps unspoken but in their hearts: “Let us make an honest effort—and if things go wrong, we are decent enough to give the other person a new chance.” Who can judge them? They have never seen or learned otherwise.

In her next entry Görres makes the shocking but perfectly logical suggestion that couples who are not prepared to accept the requirements of a sacramental marriage “should be warned expressly and emphatically against a church wedding.” She explains:

Their “I do” would be a deliberate lie, and they would not be able to meet the unalterable demands of Christian, sacramental marriage any more than the consequences of failure, that is, a divorce.

Here Görres is suggesting something very much like the opposite of the pastoral advice proffered in Amoris Laetitia. That papal directive allows that Catholics who have failed at marriage, probably because of a failure of commitment, should be allowed to form a second second union that is, at best, irregular. Görres proposes instead that unmarried couples who do not accept the Church’s demands for marriage should be allowed to live in an irregular union (which can eventually be repaired) rather than make a mockery of the sacrament.

Stated in those terms, the option of discouraging a church wedding seems eminently reasonable and pastorally sound. Isn’t it essential, in today’s society, to preserve the integrity of the sacrament and insist on the reality of the one-flesh union? The fact that her suggestion seems so radical is evidence of the need for the sort of ice-water realism that Görres provides.

[Full disclosure: the book, published by Catholic University Press, carries a cover blurb by my wife Leila.]