The Conundrum of Family Pastoral Care

By Fr. Jerry Pokorsky ( bio - articles - email ) | Mar 31, 2025

Every family has a lifetime to break sinful patterns and prepare us for the harmony of heaven. Purgatory is our destiny if we fall short. Let’s expand the horizons of conventional musings on the parable of the Prodigal Son to include the conundrum of family pastoral care.

The parable of the Prodigal Son (cf. Lk. 15:11-32) is the story of sin and repentance. The wayward son severs himself from the family, runs off with a premature portion of his inheritance, ruins his life, comes to his senses, and returns to his safe-haven family. But Mom is noticeably absent.

Suppose the family of the prodigal son meets with a priest for pastoral advice. The priest has his own inter-relational problems like anyone else. But he should have a firm grasp of Christian principles for application. A priest should insist that he cannot delegate the virtue of prudence. He may also notice a few unresolved issues and make common-sense observations.

The son carefully rehearsed his apology. “I have sinned against heaven and before you; I am no longer worthy to be called your son. Treat me as one of your hired servants.” He provides no specifics. The father receives his apology as sincere and receives him with open arms.

Not so the older brother. Blinded by anger, he cannot bring himself to acknowledge him as his brother. In his complaint to Dad, he refers to him as “this son of yours.” We cultivate hatreds by denying our brotherly bonds.

It seems the prodigal son has some unfinished business. His apology lacks precision. Maybe the father doesn’t need to know the details (although dads are often more acquainted with the foibles of fallen human nature than we care to acknowledge), but the son should be honest with himself and God. What was the nature and number of his sins? What venial sin habits prepared the way for his departure from the family? Does he waste time on the Internet? The young man needs an uncomfortable integral Confession.

Many years ago, a military chaplain at an American airbase in Turkey heard the confessions of airmen. When the soldiers confessed their womanizing (the precise words are in Latin in the old moral manuals), he asked them how much they spent on the transaction. To their chagrin, the penance included placing the same amount into the poor box. Before a priest assigns a penance, beware. “How much was spent on the illicit pleasure?”

A priest has tough questions for the older brother. Did he consider an intervention, an act of fraternal correction according to the traditional norms of Catholic natural law? If the son was (a) doing something wrong, (b) the brother was in a position of influence, (c) without risk of retribution (spiritual or physical harm), and (d) with the distinct possibility of success—the brother was duty-bound to express his views or take responsibility for the failure of nerve.

The brother of the wayward son was resentful of his father’s generosity upon his brother’s return. Resentment is like acid that corrodes souls. The priest may invoke a personal experience or two as a backdrop. Years ago, a friend cheated a teenager out of five dollars. His father responded: “Well, that was cheap.” “What?!” “You only paid five bucks to understand his character.” In the spiritual life, the masters direct us to “accept facticities” – things we cannot change – with serenity and equanimity. Every painful drama brings self-knowledge – and provides a deeper understanding of our enemies.

The father’s behavior is not without concern. Did he take his son to Mass on Sunday when he was a kid? Or did the youngster refuse to attend Mass? Here’s the model: “Look, kid, I know you don’t want to go to Mass, but while you’re living in this house and I’m feeding you, you will accompany us to Mass and sit there in silence. You need not go to Communion. That’s none of my business. But family Mass attendance is my business.”

Do the parents control Internet access in the home? Do they use computer browsing and video games as babysitters? Do they exercise their duty of paternal and maternal correction regardless of consequences? Does uncomfortable pro-life advocacy define their politics? (Respect for unborn life is the moral canary in the coal mine of the modern Catholic identity.) Do they lead by example by going to Confession?

Did the father enable his prodigal son by dispensing the young man's claim on his inheritance? What was that all about? Dad is not dead yet. Why enable evil behavior? Look, the kid is old enough to depart the family. But there is no need to fund misbehavior. A father isn’t his son’s “best friend.” A best friend overlooks many faults. A father corrects with paternal solicitude.

Inheritance difficulties often tear apart families—even good Catholic families—because of thoughtless parents who don’t take the time to craft a just last will. Has the father identified a trusted individual as his power of attorney—and a good Catholic as his medical power of attorney? Common-sense justice does not put off estate planning. We know neither the day nor the hour.

The prodigal son needs to do some soul-searching. The elder son needs to learn the lesson from Cain. He is indeed his brother’s keeper. Dad needs to fine-tune the techniques of fatherly discipline. His kids should respect his paternal justice. And Mom and Dad must keep their disagreements private and act with one voice when disciplining their kids. Don’t let the children play one off the other.

The priest is merely using common-sense, old-school Christian principles. He has no right to invoke obedience in spiritual direction. Prudence is yours. But the priest knows (or should know) something about the spiritual/sacramental life. With God’s grace and hard work, we can mitigate the pains of Purgatory and live as happy families.

Next time, bring Mom. She is missing in action.