Affirmation!
How do we say "yes" to the goodness of our children while at the same time saying "no" to their bad behavior?
If we get angry at the kids (or our spouse), are we causing damage to their psyches? Are we being disrespectful to God, in whose image they are made? Does "Love bears wrongs patiently" mean being a doormat?
In this interview, Dr. Philip A. Mango, President of St. Michael's Institute for the Psychological Sciences in New York and a frequent contributor to Faith & Family, outlines the spiritual facts and tactics that will help you raise children who are happier, better behaved, and more confident in their faith.
F&F: How does a child first learn about love?
PM: A mother looks at what she has made and sees that it is good. She sees not just a tiny package of positive and negative qualities, but a unique, delightful little person. The child learns, intuitively, that he is good, that she is good, that the world is good.
About 70 percent of human communication is non-verbal. We see love in people's eyes, hear it in their voices, and feel it in the way they touch us, or don't. Psychologists call that affirmation — the word comes from the Latin affirmere — which means "to strengthen."
F&F: What happens when such love is absent?
PM: The child dies. Doctors who worked in understaffed orphanages decades ago discovered that children who received only physical care — feeding, changing, and the like — began mysteriously to die. What was missing? Tenderness, affection, the "cooing" of the mother (or nurse), echoing back the sounds the child makes. These give him the sense that "I am real. I am positive, I am good." Without it, an infant will simply curl up and die.
F&F: What happens to children who grow up receiving some love, but not enough, or of the not right kind?
PM: Children raised in an environment lacking in love and interpersonal warmth grow up distrustful, anxious, with what we call in professional jargon an "attachment disorder."
No parent is perfect. A child doesn't need perfection. He needs to feel that, on balance, his mother is good and thinks that he is good. Then he sees that the world is a positive, warm, welcoming place — and that he is a worthy person.
If he doesn't, then part of him will freeze — remaining a needy child, still longing for affection, right up into adulthood. Unless he gets help, such an "unaffirmed" person may go through life feeling anxious, shameful, unworthy, full of guilt. That's how people wind up having drug or alcohol addictions, in mutually destructive marriages, and in criminal behavior. When these people become parents, they look to their own children for old, unmet needs. That deprives the children of affirmation, and the cycle repeats itself.
F&F: Is healing possible?
PM: Of course. The "unaffirmed" person can meet his old needs through a new emotional experience of love — real, unconditional, no-strings-attached love. This can come through a close friendship, a mentor, a priest, or a loving and sound psychotherapist. Such love comes originally from God, and leads us back to him.
F&F: So, if you had a happy childhood, are you set for life?
PM: No. We live in a fallen state. Even if we've received virtually ideal love in the family, because of our wounded nature, we require infusions of unconditional love. These must come from God and from other people. St. John of the Cross said, "When you find that there is no love in your life, give love where there is no love and you will discover love."
F&F: Do you mean the emotion most people call "love?"
PM: Yes and no. Emotions form a part of love. Love is more. Love is patient even when the emotions are impatient. Love will purposely endure suffering for the sake of the other person. Love endures everything — hence its sacrificial dimension. We each carry our cross, daily and willingly — whether it's washing clothes, or working at an office, or struggling to create works of art.
F&F: So if love isn't about emotions, does that mean the key to happiness is to suppress our emotions?
PM: No, we integrate them. As a parent or spouse we strive to subordinate our feelings to our mission, which is love. If we're making that effort, then the other people will forgive. Do you know what is the opposite of love? The refusal to forgive. I call it moralism.
F&F: What's the difference between moralism and morality?
PM: Moralism is where we offer people forgiveness or other positive emotions on condition that they live up to a certain ideal. That's not how God loves — think of the Prodigal Son, of Mary Magdalene, or all of sinful humanity that Jesus died to save.
Even when our ideals are correct, the lack of charity in moralism leads to guilt, rebellion and despair.
Psychologically, moralism generates depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and psycho-sexual problems.
F&F: Does that mean we must accept people simply as they are, without wanting them to change for the better?
PM: No. In order to love properly, we must also know the right way to hate. We hate not the person, but the evil things or habits that harm him and others. The classic Catholic distinction between the sin and the sinner is at the heart of healthy parenthood and therapy. We must learn how to contain and learn from our own irritability, anger, and frustration. These are authentic, sometimes legitimate reactions. They can be part of a deep, abiding, unconditional love.
Let's look at a busy, tired mother. She sees the goodness, the lovability of her child — which transcends all the irritations he causes her. When he does something wrong, she feels angry. That can be healthy, if it is not a hatred for the child's being. It is similar to the wrath of God, which is not hatred for us, but for sin.
God sees us as we really are, beyond our positive and negative qualities. He sees us in our perfection — how we would be in Heaven. And he hates the things that separate us from that perfection.
F&F: How do we use this model to shape a child's actions and character?
PM: Start by putting a label on his positive actions. For example, if a child comes to you for a hug, you say, "Oh, how affectionate you are." The child begins to learn: "Oh! This is affection!" And he begins to identify it with himself. Especially apply this technique to moral actions — for example, to a child in a difficult spot who decides to tell the truth:
"Did you take the candy?"
"Yes I did, I took the candy."
"That was very honest — you told me the truth!"
He'll think "Oh, this is honesty." And so on.
F&F: Does this also apply to negative actions?
PM: Yes. Let's say a child endangers the life of another — he tries to throw his brother down the stairs. You need to say: "That was cruel," or "That was destructive," "That was wrong and hurtful to your brother." And also, "That is not the kind of little boy you want to become." Just as we name the positive, we also name the negative.
But we never say to the child, "You're cruel," "You're bad," "You're evil," or "You're a thief." That teaches him to identify with the sin — when the point is to separate him from it.
The next step is to talk about how we feel. You say, "When I see you doing that I become angry. I'm disappointed in you, because you are better than that." Thus we partake fruitfully in the wrath of God.
The third step is, "Here's your punishment." And then you punish the child. The child may cry. You don't go to comfort him. Let him be there in his tears. How sternly or how long you punish him depends on his age and maturity.
God doesn't stop there, and neither do we. Perhaps a half-hour after the child has stopped crying, you go and talk to him, to help him develop his inborn capacity for empathy. "Johnny, I want you to understand what it means to try to throw your brother down the stairs. Imagine Daddy threatening to throw you down the stairsl. How would that feel?"
F&F: This builds up empathy?
PM: Exactly. The child responds, "No, Daddy, I wouldn't like that."
You ask, "Would you think I was loving you?"
He'll say, "No, I'd think you didn't like me anymore."
"That's why I would never do that. It's okay to be angry. I get angry — but I would never do that to you, because I love you . . . " And so on.
F&F: So, the goal is empathy?
PM: No, we go further. We train the child to identify with our humanity. The parent says, "Well, do you get angry sometimes?"
"Yeah, sometimes."
"Do you feel jealous? Do you sometimes want to take your brother's toys?"
"Yeah, sometimes."
"But you know, we all have that. It's just part of our human nature. But we are all still lovable and good."
And when a kid gets older, we say, "That's what we call Original Sin. We inherited this from our first parents. But we try, little by little, not to give into it. And that's what makes us happy and free." And the kid thinks, "Oh! Now my mom, my dad, my teacher is like me!" And so we have identification. With this basis, you go into forgiveness. "Now what you did to your brother — you know how you'd feel if he did that to you? That's probably what your brother felt. Do you want to do that to him?"
"No."
"Are you sorry . . . ?"
F&F: What if the child doesn't feel sorry?
PM: What is true in the confessional is also true in the psyche: You do not have to feel sorry. I can receive complete forgiveness and go to the Eucharist even if I'm simply afraid of God's punishment. But we work toward empathy, which deepens into compassion — sharing someone's joys and sufferings for his own sake.
Compassion gives rise to mercy. "You don't deserve it, I forgive you, I bless you, I'll give you more than you need." These qualities take time. But affirmation is the beginning.
F&F: That's a very deliberate, reflective approach, where many people would lose their cool. How do you develop the ability to respond that way?
PM: We all need to seek the conditions of contemplation: silence . . . solitude . . . stillness. For most of the day, we subject ourselves to noise and busyness. Even at Mass: We have just received the Eucharist — and we have maybe a minute or two alone with the Lord. Then we stand up again: "Okay, let us pray."
I'm used to a different pace — like the Italian meal that takes three or four hours. We should spend at least five or ten minutes alone with the Lord after Mass. When you get outside, look at the birds of the air — God also speaks to us through the mountains and the trees and the animals. A lion is not just a physiochemical process. It was created by God with a purpose and a meaning. The lion is a symbol for God the Father, for Christ, the Lion of Judah, for authentic masculinity. For the kingly quality of Christ and the laity. That's what a lion is.
Remember that everything in our world has meaning. Disciplining a child isn't just about the vase he broke, it's about our redemption.
F&F: How can we help young people develop spiritually?
PM: A child (like and adult!) needs to root himself in solitude, silence and stillness without stimuli — radio, Internet, TV, books. Even without spiritual books. This makes psychic room for a prayerful, contemplative attitude towards the world — and in each other. We aren't always rushing to tinker with things or people.
Mary is the perfect disciple. Formed in silence and stillness, "treasuring all these things in her heart," she developed the inner strength she displayed at the foot of the Cross. That calm love in the midst of grief grows out of the primary, basic "Yes" she said to God — and the peace that grew from it. You might say that in that moment, she affirmed God himself.
F&F: How can anyone with a family achieve this state?
PM: I know a mother of 11 who lives this way. Other women come to her house and see her just going through the day, doing her chores and staying relaxed — and they ask her how it's possible. She says, "Well, I'd go insane if I had to have a tidy, neat house, or to keep up with the Joneses."
Instead, this mother maintains a contemplative relationship with God. That makes her more relaxed and easygoing with her kids — and they benefit from that. The answer is not throwing them in front of the TV or the computer. Or taking them all to ballet class, and French class, and Latin class, and running around exhausted. It's modeling for these young souls a peaceful connection with God and the world.
F&F: Does that mean Catholics are called to be "counter-cultural" in the way they raise children?
PM: We're called to see a reality beyond what is conventionally seen. I got a call from another Catholic mother. Everyone who sees her family says, "What a joy your children are!" She and her husband are very close to the children.
But she was beginning to worry about her kids. She home-schools, but not in the systematic way some mothers do — with lesson plans, units, and high-tech tools. But in her family, the children value home, the simple life, their parents, their faith. They live on the land, they hunt and fish. But they love to read and learn.
And while I was on the phone with her, her little girl came in and gave her a flower she'd picked from the garden . . . "Hi Mom . . . here is a flower!" And she responded, "Oh! God loves you so much!" "Yes, you too, mom."
That was enough for me.
Laureen Vierno writes on family psychology from Cresskill, N.J.
This item 4153 digitally provided courtesy of CatholicCulture.org
