Practical Tips for Marriage
It's that time of year again--the traditional wedding season. Every weekend, it seems the churches are filled with happy couples, and their friends and family, all enjoying the start of a new shared life. Weddings are times of great joy, as they should be, but the truth is they are just one day. What happens on all the days to follow--the marriage--is what really counts, more so than having the perfect flowers or the perfect music or the perfect reception.
So, as many of you are preparing to marry or to celebrate your anniversaries, and as I prepare to celebrate the Marriage Jubilee for Couples on June 5, I decided to turn to some trusted married friends for their insights. I present to you my "Top 10" tips for a strong marriage. I hope every couple--whether you are about to be married or already married--will find a helpful nugget or two in these tips
1. Marriage is a lifetime, not a day
The vow you take on your wedding day to "be true in good times and bad, in sickness and in health, to love and to honor" isn't a vow for that one day, but a lifetime commitment. Now, I realize that fidelity and commitment aren't exactly high on the priority list of our modern culture, but I guarantee you that the commitment you and your spouse make to your marriage and the fidelity you show to each other will transform your lives, bringing you peace, comfort and a confidence that comes with the knowledge that whatever challenges you face, together you will find a solution. Remind yourself of the vow you took, renewing it with each other in the little things you do for one another every day.
2. Put God first
You might want to think of God as the daily organizer of your spiritual life, similar to the "Palm Pilot" or the Daytimer you so depend on to keep your daily schedule. Without God to keep you on track, you'd be lost. This is especially true in marriage. Just look at the wonderful model He gave us. The incarnate God surrendered Himself for all humanity, giving completely of Himself for our salvation. Similarly, married couples are called to give completely of themselves to their spouses and to draw their spouses closer to salvation. Do you see Christ in your spouse and do you act as Christ would towards your spouse
I encourage you to attend Mass together, to pray together and with your children and to see your spouse as a wonderful gift from God. Just as you may exercise together to get a fitness boost, so too you can pray with your spouse to get a spiritual boost!
3. Communicate, communicate, communicate
These days, we can communicate practically instantaneously--e-mail, cell phones, faxes. Yet, all of these wonderful new tools are useless if you don't send the right message. When it comes to marriage, communication is essential. It's not enough just to listen to your spouse talk. No, you need to really hear what she or he is sharing with you and share your own feelings and thoughts. Don't let the distractions of daily life--job, family, finances--keep you from each other.
4. It's the little things
Marriage is a series of days and moments over a lifetime, each offering you an opportunity to do something special for your spouse. That doesn't mean it has to be something splashy, all lit up in neon lights. Rather, it's the little thoughts and small kindnesses that often are remembered the longest. Be creative and affectionate. Surprise your spouse now and then!
5. Forgive even if you can't forget
No matter how much you and your spouse love one another, it is likely that you will feel hurt at some point, perhaps by something that was said or done--or not said or done. You may even feel betrayed. But, that does not mean your spouse doesn't love you. We all make mistakes. I recognize, however, that some spouses go beyond a mistake, becoming abusive. This is never acceptable and I urge you to seek appropriate help.
Forgiving can be very difficult, particularly when you have been wounded by someone you love. Yet, forgiveness will allow you to be released from the emotional pain that holds you prisoner. If you need help, turn to God. Ask Him to help you forgive your spouse, even if you can't forget. And, pray that you will be grateful for the wonderful gifts your spouse brings to your marriage. Finally, I encourage you and your spouse to receive God's forgiveness through the Sacrament of Penance. Then, share His reconciling love with each other in your marriage.
6. Sometimes you have to let it go
We all like to be right. It's human nature. But, sometimes, it is less important to be right and more important to be loving. Know when to step back, to let your spouse have the final word. Focus on what's good about your spouse; it will help you through the rough times.
7. Down time is up time
To keep your car running at peak efficiency, you take care of it. You fill it with fuel, check the oil and bring it in for regularly scheduled maintenance. Yet, do you do the same for yourself? It is easy to let yourself get run down and forget to recharge your spiritual batteries. You must, not only for yourself, but for your marriage and family. Participate in guided spiritual direction or go on an annual retreat. Even a few moments talking with God each day can make all the difference. Also, if you are angry with your spouse, step away for a few minutes. Calm down and take some time to think more clearly about the conflict at hand. A few minutes apart can help the many hours together.
8. Make your spouse your priority
It is easy to take your spouse for granted, and to let the other demands of your life take over. Please don't. Turn off the TV, go on dates regularly, spend time talking with each other. Enjoy your children and their activities--they are the fruit of your relationship; participate in their activities together, as a family.
9. Don't go it alone
We all need support now and then. Marriage Encounter, Retorno and Teams of Our Lady are a few of the many resources available for couples who want to refresh their marriage or marital spirituality. For those couples who are on the verge of divorce, Retrouvaille may make all the difference. Call the Archdiocesan Family Life Office at 301-853-4561 for more information
10. Embrace your challenges
Life inevitably brings surprises and challenges--perhaps a child with special needs, an illness or injury, an elderly parent who needs daily care, job loss. Don't turn away from these challenges or let them pull you apart. Instead, face them as a team and use them to help you grow stronger. Remember, Christ--through His unending love and mercy--was able to conquer all.
May the Lord bless your marriage always!
Copyright © 2000 Archdiocese of Washington, DC. All rights reserved.
For further reading on Catholic teaching on marriage:
Casti Connubii (On Christian Marriage)
Encyclical by Pope Pius XI, December 31, 1930
Preparation for the Sacrament of Marriage
Document issued by the Pontifical Council for the Family, signed by Alfonso Cardinal López Trujillo.
Christian Marriage: A Covenant of Love and Life
Pastoral Letter by Cardinal Law, Archbishop of Boston on marriage, issued on March 25, 1998.
Preparing for Marriage
Article from Crisis by George Sim Johnston, a pre-Cana teacher, on how to prepare for marriage.
This item 3517 digitally provided courtesy of CatholicCulture.org
