the Gettysburg Address, ICEL style

By Diogenes (articles ) | Apr 11, 2006

To be perfectly honest, the man didn't strike me as honest. When he told me that he had stolen the dynamic-equivalence machine from ICEL headquarters, I doubted him. But the price was reasonable-- even for hot merchandise. So I tested it on the Gettysburg Address, and here are the results:

Eighty seven years ago our parents set up on this continent a new nation, programmed in Liberty and based on an egalitarian model.

Now we are involved in a big interpersonal confrontation, trying to discern if our nation, or any nation structured on the same value system, can last very long. We are meeting on the scene of a significant dialogue in that process of discernment. We have come to dedicate a part of it as a memorial park for those who became deceased so that our important government agencies can continue to do their good work. We are doing a good thing.

But when you look at the bigger picture, we cannot dedicate or bless this ground. The brave human persons, living and not living, who dialogued here, have made it special, far better than we are able to do for better or worse. The media will not publicize our remarks very much, but everyone will remember what these human persons did here. It is up to us who still are alive to finish what those human persons who dialogued here started. It is for us to take up the big job still remaining – so that these human persons who have passed on will inspire us to finish what they started – and that our community will promise not to treat them as useless – in order that our government made up of human persons and run by human persons to promote authentic justice and peace for human persons will not be discontinued.

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  • Posted by: - Apr. 13, 2006 12:43 PM ET USA

    ... our imperialist progenitors imposed upon the peace loving natives of this continent ...

  • Posted by: rpp - Apr. 12, 2006 7:46 PM ET USA

    Sounds more like George Orwell's 9th Edition of the Newspeak Dictionary.

  • Posted by: - Apr. 12, 2006 6:48 PM ET USA

    "How do you think ICEL and/or the BCL would recast Neil Armstrong's first words as he stepped off the lunar lander:" They would say: "On Eagle's Wings has landed". Let us sing, and hold hands.

  • Posted by: Clorox - Apr. 11, 2006 10:55 PM ET USA

    How do you think ICEL and/or the BCL would recast Neil Armstrong's first words as he stepped off the lunar lander: "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind"? How about: "When someone steps, everybody takes a giant leap." "Taking steps is something we all must do in our own time." Your turn.

  • Posted by: - Apr. 11, 2006 8:38 PM ET USA

    This is definitely authentic. Note how the entire phrase "that this nation under God will have a new birth of freedom" has just dropped out. And of course, it eliminated that preposterous phrasing "altogether fitting and proper", and replaced it with good. Yes, this machine is definitely authentic, with the 100% Trautman seal of approval.

  • Posted by: - Apr. 11, 2006 7:05 PM ET USA

    Yerrrrrrkkk. Yes, the machine is authentic. My nausea level has risen to the point generally experienced when smelling burlap and seeing it in close proximity to felt letters and glue. I don't think we should hold hands while we read this right now.

  • Posted by: - Apr. 11, 2006 6:26 PM ET USA

    Yes, as William Tecumseh Sherman noted: "War is all a big interpersonal confrontation"...

  • Posted by: - Apr. 11, 2006 4:27 PM ET USA

    To get the full effect, all readers of this blog need to hold hands when reading it.

  • Posted by: - Apr. 11, 2006 4:22 PM ET USA

    Your penance, my son, for this defilement of a great text is simple. You must listen the Eucharistic Prayer for Reconciliation #1 every day for the next month. Your soul wont prosper much from it but I guarantee you won't go near that infernal machine again.

  • Posted by: - Apr. 11, 2006 4:00 PM ET USA

    I don't know, Uncle Di. That dynamic-equivalence machine must have had a slight malfunction. The sentences didn't seem quite choppy enough, and the wording in a few places still had a slight (ever so slight) sense of elegance. Perhaps you need a bit more training in its use.

  • Posted by: - Apr. 11, 2006 3:50 PM ET USA

    A satisfactory translation, if I've ever heard one. Very satisfactory.

  • Posted by: - Apr. 11, 2006 3:44 PM ET USA

    You should run it through the political correction machine now... "Eighty seven years ago our caregivers set up on this continent a new nation, programmed in Liberty and based on an egalitarian model." The word "parent" implies a mother and father as genitors of existence. Clearly that violates the dignity of homosexual caregivers of adopted young persons.

  • Posted by: Eleazar - Apr. 11, 2006 3:11 PM ET USA

    Diogenes: As a student of that "big interpersonal confrontation," I'm glad that those human persons who took part in the "significant dialogue in that process of discernment" at Gettysburg didn't live to see this. They would, most certainly, have turned their cannon on you.