If the NYT had covered the Main Event

By Diogenes (articles ) | Apr 22, 2005


by Ian Pecheur

CAESAREA PHILIPPI (20 Kislev) Yesterday's surprise announcement that doctrinal hardliner Jesus of Nazareth had been anointed "Messiah" provoked mixed reactions in the diverse and sometimes fractious Israelite community, ranging from cautious disappointment to frank despair.

"I see it as a missed opportunity," said Herodias Schneidkopf, a Galilaean incest rights activist. "Many of us were hoping for someone more open to leadership roles for women and more appreciative of our experience. I don't feel valued."

Respected Archpriest Caiaphas Bar Nun agreed. "Above all, the Messiah should be a good listener. How can we as a faith community keep credibility among the youth of today if we cling to every jot and tittle of an outmoded social code while thousands die of leprosy and hunger? Today's highly educated Judahite community isn't satisfied with the old answers. This was a missed opportunity."

Even some members of the Messiah's personal entourage expressed misgivings. The Rev. J. E. "Dimples" Iscariot, S.J., media consultant and associate editor of Marble Thighs magazine, did not hide his regret. "A missed opportunity, I'm afraid. We in the Society of Judas traditionally enjoy a special relationship to the Messiah, but we'll find this choice very hard to explain to gomorrhaists. Why just the other day I saw 300 denarii, which might have been used to help find a cure for leprosy, squandered on wholly unnecessary ritual excesses."

Fighting the spread of leprosy is a vexed issue among contemporary Israelites, many of whom support tetrarchy-funded prevention programs that encourage nuptial relations with livestock so as to reduce the risks of transmitting the disease to an uninfected partner. Most polls show Israelites widely ignore official teachings on ethical matters, preferring to follow their own conscience. Some see Jesus' moral conservatism as a rigidity that leads to disfigurement and death in at-risk populations -- and that may ultimately doom his movement to irrelevance.

"Yesterday's unction-function was an opportunity missed," insisted real estate broker Sapphira Glass, "Today's young professionals don't find their own experience reflected in a one-size-fits-all morality that limits options and encodes patriarchal bias. I mean, sacrificing one's newborns to Moloch is a tragic but often necessary choice, and many of us find the language of apostasy alienating and judgmental."

need some quote from supporter

"It all comes down to power," countered maverick theologian Fr. Richard Maccabeus, retired Professor of Applied Autolatry, who pointed out that the successful candidate had almost no pastoral experience. "What we're seeing is a right-wing restorationist fantasy in its death throes. Intelligent Israelites aren't buying. We want to be heard. We want someone who speaks not with authority but like us academics -- I mean of course, like the scribes. One can only call it a missed opportunity."

The Procurator of Judea was unavailable for comment.

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  • Posted by: - Apr. 25, 2005 8:58 AM ET USA

    C'mon, JOD: it's both parody and satire, the highest forms of the Divine Comedy. Lighten up a bit, man (or woman)! Authentic Catholics finally have a reason for optimism and hope, and have reacted to the discombobulation of Her enemies with ... amusement. And parody. And satire.

  • Posted by: - Apr. 23, 2005 4:07 PM ET USA

    Humor has its limitations, as evidenced by this strained parody. The SNL format is humor in its lowest form and certainly not suitable for dealing with religious subjects. The name of Our Lord should never be trivialized. JOD

  • Posted by: Fr. William - Apr. 23, 2005 1:08 AM ET USA

    Great sense of humor, Diogenes, & close to the truth w/ regard to traitorous priests/religious/laypersons, who claim to know better than Jesus & His Church, & say that they dislike/hate the Holy Father, thereby actually saying that they dissent-from/hate the Holy Spirit & the Cardinal electors & Holy Mother Church, & thus putting themselves out of Communion. Long live the Pope! (The "need some quote from supporter" is how secular news editors operate, having been a news reporter/editor myself.)

  • Posted by: - Apr. 22, 2005 8:57 PM ET USA

    Brilliant, Diogenes, brilliant! It was nice to read this piece after enduring all the anti Catholic bilge in the "unbiased" press.

  • Posted by: - Apr. 22, 2005 6:36 PM ET USA

    Excellent! Brings to mind a favorite quote by Cal Thomas who says, "Every morning I read my Bible and the New York Times - that was I know what BOTH sides are up to!"

  • Posted by: - Apr. 22, 2005 6:33 PM ET USA

    Careful, folks, Diogenes didn't write this - he only posted it. The author is Ian Pecheur. What if someone went off half-cocked and attributed it to Diogenes. That's how rumors get started. And how some in the press do business these days.

  • Posted by: Meg Q - Apr. 22, 2005 2:34 PM ET USA

    Diogenes, God bless you, you're a genius. Moloch sacrifice and "fighting the spread of leprosy"! "Galilaean incest rights activist"! I especially liked "real estate broker Sapphira Glass". And of course the head. Because that's the real point, isn't it? And Benedict, too, shepherding Christ's Church in the shoes of the Fisherman, must be a sign of contradiction as well. Not that the NYT - or putative or actual Catholics who desire worldly approval - will ever understand that.

  • Posted by: - Apr. 22, 2005 12:03 PM ET USA

    The best line was "need some quote from supporter." You clearly understand the New York Times.

  • Posted by: - Apr. 22, 2005 10:57 AM ET USA

    Diogenes, I am glad you mentioned, Rev. J. E. Iscariot SJ. The SJ not only has a special relation the Messiah, but to the Fisherman Kephas. SJ America Magazine has the new vicar of the Messiah and Fisherman on the cover but the editorial is about Medicare cuts!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Evidently they too are having difficulty explaining the new Vicar to.... well, the usual suspects.

  • Posted by: - Apr. 22, 2005 9:42 AM ET USA

    A classic, Diogenes! But, no quote from Joan of Caesarea...? Or Frances al-Khalil...?