The Case of the Incontinent Curate
By Diogenes (articles ) | May 12, 2005 3:10 AM
Last year, the fearless investigator Mary Jo White was hired by the Diocese of Albany to launch a fearlessly honest investigation into reports of wrongdoing by Albany Bishop Howard Hubbard, for which the Diocese of Albany paid her $2.4 million fearless American dollars. By a remarkable coincidence, Ms. White arrived fearlessly at the finding that the allegations had "no merit." Intrigued by the role of intrepid private investigators in uncovering the crimes of their employers, Off the Record has arranged to preview excerpts from a manuscript narrating the adventures of a valiant sleuthette commissioned to "get to the bottom" of America's best-kept secrets. Installments will run, subject to availability, bi-weekly.
The Case of the Incontinent CurateA Nancy Drew Mystery
"Good gracious!" said Nancy, as the beam of her flashlight rested on a curiously marked object lying on the sacristy carpet next to a reclining nun someone had thoughtlessly stabbed to death, "I wonder what this can be." She tucked her blond hair back under her yellow silk scarf with the blue sailboats pattern and stooped to pick up the unexpected discovery. "Hm!" she exclaimed to herself, "It appears to be an altar cloth stained with the blood of a female Caucasian age 70 to 75, though it's hard to be certain in this light. But wait! What's this?" Jabbed into the cork of the sacristy notice board was a brass letter opener inscribed on the blade with the words Souvenir of the Northern Ohio Satanists Camp-o-Ree 1974. "Well!" mused Nancy, "I'd better keep this, because it might turn out to be a clue!" As she walked down the hall toward the parking garage where she'd left her sporty auto she saw the words B**** YOU DIE drawn in large uneven letters on the white paint of the wall. "Why, this seems to be written in blood as well," thought Nancy. "Unless I'm mistaken, there have been some odd goings on in Toledo recently!"
To be continued.
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May. 12, 2005 9:25 AM ET USA
Chicago is famous for (among other things and probably not just Chicago) for appointing Blue Ribbon committees to study and make recommendations on certain issues for the mayor. It is uncanny how these independent commissions always come up with the exact solution the mayor wanted. Even when a year later a new commission will come up the exact opposite solution to the one the mayor wanted last year, but still the same one he now wants this year.