Achieving a Happy Marriage
by Msgr. Paul E. Campbell, M.A., Litt.D., Ed.D.
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". . . An oft-repeated consideration of their state of life, and a diligent reflection on the Sacrament they have received, will be of great assistance to them. Let them constantly keep in mind that they have been sanctified and strengthened for the duties and the dignity of their state by a special Sacrament, the efficacious power of which, although it does not impress a character, is undying. To this purpose we may ponder over the words in full of real comfort of holy Cardinal Robert Bellarmine, who with other well-known theologians with devout conviction thus expresses himself: 'The Sacrament of Matrimony can be regarded in two ways: first, in the making, and then in its permanent state. For it is a Sacrament like to that of the Eucharist, which not only when it is being conferred, but also whilst it remains, is a Sacrament; for as long as the married parties are alive, so long is their union a Sacrament of Christ and the Church'" ("Five Great Encyclicals," Paulist Press, 1946, Christian Marriage, pp. 110-111).
The Holy Father thus calls the attention of every Christian husband and wife to the great Sacrament of Matrimony, but he hastens to point out that the cooperation of the married parties is necessary that the grace of this Sacrament may produce its full fruit. They must strive with unwearied effort to fulfill their duties. Certain powers are given them by the grace which is laid up in the soul by this Sacrament. The diligent and unceasing use of these powers will enable them to discharge all their duties, no matter how laborious, and the continued compliance with the grace of God merits ever-richer graces as time goes on. The Holy Father exhorts them not to lose courage in facing the hardships of their condition in life, and tells them to regard the words of St. Paul to his beloved disciple Timothy as in some measure addressed to them, though the Apostle was speaking in regard to the Sacrament of Holy Orders: "I admonish thee that thou stir up the grace which is in thee by the imposition of my hands. For God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of sobriety."
The Home as the Bedrock of Society
The Catholic Church struggles to preserve the institutions of the home and the family in all the beauty of their unity and integrity. It ill behooves those who enter into this sacred union to grow remiss in their efforts to maintain the permanence of the home, the sacredness of conjugal love, and the sanctity of the family fireside. The stability of the home is the surest foundation of human society, the solid bedrock upon which society and stable government alike are built. "The building of a stable home, where peace and love abound, is man's supreme achievement and the source of his deepest and most abiding happiness. If a man fail in business, politics, or other enterprises, but has kept intact the empire of his own home, with the myriad ties of sympathy and understanding unbroken, his failure is overshadowed by a victory which soothes the sting of uncounted defeats and brings the richest returns in love and happiness" ("The Faith of Millions" by Dr. John A. O'Brien, Our Sunday Visitor Press, 1938, p. 350).
Basic Requirements for Marital Happiness
In introducing his essay on the basic requisites for marital happiness Father Doyle1 addresses to the married couple the words of Moses to Aser: "Thy shoes shall be iron and brass." Moses sought to arm Aser against the hilly and rugged terrain of the territory allotted to him; Father Doyle offers the same advice to the bride and groom, who pledge themselves to travel together in matrimony a path that is usually rough and rugged. He claims no originality in deriving this apposite warning from the works of the Roman Ritual: "So, not knowing what is before you, you take each other for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death." Stern self-denial is called for in the uphill struggle against the world, the flesh, and the devil. Speaking figuratively, no common sandals made of wood or leather will suffice; shoes of iron and brass are necessary to scale the heights that lead to the summit of happiness in marriage.
Seldom is a single incident the sole cause of marital unhappiness. Broken hearts and homes result rather from an overwhelming accumulation of little things. The wise couple will not ignore the little things that cause annoyance and vexation and threaten to mar and destroy their union. We remove a pebble from a shoe lest the irritation cause some serious infection. Our author exhorts husband and wife to don certain shoes of iron and brass that will carry them safely over the rough spots. These shoes, too, come in pairs:
Love and Contentment,
Cheerfulness and Courtesy,
Patience and Helpfulness,
Truthfulness and Tact,
Neatness and Politeness,
Generosity and Loyalty.
There is no doubt that the man and the woman who pledge themselves to each other before God's altar are really in love. This love, however, needs to be fed and nourished. Nothing is so tragic in marriage as the taking of love for granted. It calls for frequent expression through an ever-increasing number of external acts. "Love," says Beecher "cannot endure indifference. It needs to be wanted. Like a lamp, it needs to be fed out of the oil of another heart or the flame burns low." Love, eloquent in courtship, must not become mute in marriage. Romantic love alone is a precarious foundation of happiness. The first ecstasies of romantic love will fade if they are not transmuted into true conjugal love, which waxes stronger with the months and years. This conjugal love is purified, sanctified, and perfected romantic love. Loyal and true to the end, it is the greatest blessing that can come to married life. "The final essence of the great love of man and woman," writes Gustave Thibon, "consists in the confidences and divine graces transmitted from one soul through the chosen channel of another soul." This true marital love ennobles the personality, fortifies the heart, and sanctifies the existence. Hawthorne called it "that enchanting mystery," and shortly before his death he wrote his wife this touching testament: "Happiness has no succession of events because it is part of eternity. And we have been living in eternity since our marriage."
Conjugal Love Needs Daily Cultivation
Conjugal love can never survive neglect. Neither a husband nor a wife should fail to nourish daily this precious, delicate plant. It is not safe for the husband to take his wife's love for granted, content solely in the knowledge that it is always there. Without frequent tokens and expressions of his love, a wife becomes disinterested in married life. The association first loses its charm, then its interest. Boredom sets in and finally yields to chafing and aversion. "All through the years he must reassure her of his continued love — by paying compliments, by sending flowers and candy, by taking his wife out evenings, by tenderly caressing her — such things will reassure his wife that she is still 'lovable.' Love frequently and adequately expressed will keep a woman young and give meaning and purpose to her life" (op. cit., p. 136).
Nor should a wife blackmail her husband into loving her by crying spells or other hackneyed expedients. Perhaps she has taken his gifts for granted, and he simply forgets the gift-giving routine. It is a smart wife who makes a fuss over her husband's gifts, and he will take no offense if she marks anniversaries on his desk calendar. This simple device keeps him awake to all the little courtesies that were part of their courtship. If husband and wife renew daily the intention of loving the other party enough to make him or her happy, the marriage will never fail to bring out the best that is in both of them. Father Doyle gives this advice to both parties: "Never be afraid or ashamed to express your love; invent new methods of showing your companion that your love in turn is ever new and fresh."
Love alone is not the sole requisite of marital happiness. Contentment is the soil in which love is nourished, lives vigorously, and grows apace. This spirit of contentment needs emphasis today when the spirit of dissatisfaction, even of greed, threatens to displace it. To be content with what we possess is the greatest and most secure of riches, wrote Cicero centuries ago. Make the best of what you have, and do not pine away because some irremediable condition cannot be abolished. Ignoring an unpleasant situation minimizes its unpleasantness, and this disinterestedness is not a Pollyanna attitude. It is the surest road to happiness and makes the home a haven where peace and love reign. "Contentment is the antidote for restlessness; indeed, it is the calm, quite influence that is so sorely needed in the home today."
Contentment Finds Outlet in Cheerfulness
Contentment must find its expression in cheerfulness. In the words of Thackeray, cheerfulness "is a contented spirit, it is a pure heart, it is a kind and loving disposition, it is humility and charity, it is a generous appreciation of others and a modest opinion of self." The Roman Ritual reminds the couple about to marry that they should always generously make the sacrifices that may be required to preserve their common life, their oneness in mind, in heart, and in affections. Gloominess, sulkiness, and moodiness are the great enemies of cheerfulness. Gloominess can be overcome by training oneself to look for the bright side of every difficulty. Sulkiness is definitely indicative of emotional immaturity. Learn from Newman's ethical gentleman to be "too indolent to be affronted at insults." To apply the silent treatment after a misunderstanding or to hold out for an apology is a sure way to wreck marital happiness. The moody husband or wife, all smiles today and all gloom tomorrow, is thoroughly undependable and offers no tenure to that love which is the security of Christian home-life. Our author begs all who seek happiness in marriage to fight these triune-demons and archenemies of cheerfulness in an unrelenting warfare. Force yourself to like what you like more than you dislike what bothers you. Remember that cheerfulness is in most people the rich and satisfying result of strenuous discipline; work and pray for a cheerful, even disposition.
Courtesy Indispensable in Family Circle
It is a terrible mistake to suppose that the forms of courtesy have no place in the family circle. "Pardon me," "please," and "thank you" are miracle words, never to be omitted when called for, more potent when accompanied by a tender caress. Father Doyle estimates that lack of courtesy on the part of husband or wife, or both, is the basic cause of eighty per cent of the coldness and estrangements, if not absolute quarrels and separations, in married life. He advises the husband to refrain from teasing his wife on irritating subjects, to give her attention in company, and never to upbraid her in the presence of a third party. The courteous wife sacrifices her own feelings and convenience on the invitation of her husband to take part in some social affair. She prepares herself just as carefully for such appearances as she would for an audience with the President, and never fails to thank her husband for his effort to entertain her. Neither wife nor husband should invade the privacy of the other. It is a good rule never to enter a closed room without permission, and neither should open the other's mail nor read opened mail without permission of the addressee. If it is discourteous for the wife to keep her husband waiting unnecessarily, it is equally discourteous for the husband to fail to notify his wife that he will be late for a meal. The simplest act of home courtesy pays rich dividends in domestic peace.
No career makes so many demands on patience as does matrimony, but, in the words of an old philosopher, patience is the best remedy for every trouble. Often the husband and the wife are not found wanting in this virtue when serious misfortune strikes the family, but they sometimes fail to bear patiently with the little annoyances that inevitably occur when two persons live so closely as do a man and his wife. The physical discomforts of childbearing are accepted smilingly — even the Sacred Scriptures tell us that the woman no longer remembers the anguish for joy that a man is born into the world; but the same patient mother will become quite angry at the sight of the once neatly arranged dresser drawer thrown into a sudden state of chaos by a clumsy husband. The husband who can absorb serious financial loss without flinching will sometimes throw patience to the winds when his evening paper is disturbed. Patience is in constant demand amid the great crosses, trials, and misunderstandings that are the penalty of human living. Only after misfortune has struck do a husband and wife fully realize how little call there is for the petty disagreements that so often threaten the happiness of a couple vowed to love each other. The experience of life gives a wisdom or an inner vision that mellows and ripens their love beyond the point of possible rupture. A habit of patience rules out bad temper, for bad temper grows strong only when indulged, and the virtue of patience denies it all indulgence.
Father Doyle recommends a happy medium in the matter of patience. "Be not too sweet," says an Afghan proverb, "else men will eat you; be not too bitter, else men will loathe you." Avoid extremes and remember the words of Pope Pius XII addressed to newlyweds on June 7, 1939: "Eucharistic Communion," he said, "generates strength, courage and patience."
Marriage as a Mutual Aid Society
Holy Scripture makes clear that marriage as originally instituted is a mutual aid society. In this close relationship each party should be able to turn to the other for mutual aid, courage, and comfort — the strength of spirit that will enable them to continue in love and life together. God made Adam a help like unto himself when he made Eve. It is noteworthy that he made Eve from the side of Adam — not from his head, not from his feet — and thus indicated that a woman's place was to be beside her husband as his helper. It is of the very nature of the contract that the husband and the wife should render needed help to each other in the spiritual order, the moral order, the physical order, the economic order, and in the domestic order. Spiritual help implies encouragement by word and example in such things as family prayers, assistance at Mass, reception of the Sacraments, and faithful compliance with the laws of God. Here, as in education, the supreme law is the salvation of souls.
There is an obligation on the part of every husband and wife to point out the moral faults of the other; the husband is remiss in his duty when he fails to reprimand his wife for indulging in slanderous gossip, and the dutiful wife cannot ignore her erring husband's failure to attend Mass or to receive the Sacraments as required by the laws of the Church. This obligation does not require either husband or wife to go beyond the point of prudence. Neither should become a nagger, for nagging is one of the most destructive forces in married life. A continual pointing out of glaring faults is one form of nagging; harping on duty is another form scarcely less offensive and likely to be ineffective because of its excess.
The Scriptural injunction that "they shall be two in one flesh" makes it clear that the members of this close partnership should render help to each other in whatever order and whatever measure may be demanded by given circumstances. The sick wife is not a burden to the husband, but rather gives him an opportunity to practise the highest virtue that can grace the domestic hearth. Very rarely does economic insufficiency demand that the wife leave the home circle and take up gainful employment. The Holy Father, in an allocution to working mothers, placed severe strictures on women working outside the home. With the mother absent from the family fireside through many hours of the day, the tone of family life degenerates and the home loses its holding power. It is better to be satisfied with less than to lose the essential values of home life in the amassing of greater income. The wife and mother should take pride in perfecting her knowledge of the arts of cooking and homemaking, and consider it her duty to give proper training to her sons as well as her daughters in the skills that make for excellent home management. Ideally the father exercises supervision over the home, and gently but firmly insists that each member of the family take his proper part in the chores of the household. A well-balanced participation puts no excessive burden on any member of the family. It is not beneath the dignity of a husband to help with kitchen tasks, but the prudent wife will always work with her husband in the performance of household chores.
Truthfulness and Tact as Cornerstones of Wedlock
"Truthfulness," writes Father Doyle, "is the foundation of all personal excellence, and it is the cornerstone of wedlock, for there it exhibits itself in conduct." No exigency of married life justifies the sacrifice of truth. Lying has a chain reaction, for it requires many other lies to cover up the original one. Truth must be sovereign in all the relationships of members of the family with one another. But truth need not be brutal, for its finest ornament is tact. Kindness is the principle of tact, and tact is the interpreter of all riddles, the surmounter of all difficulties, the remover of all obstacles. Holy Scripture reminds us that it is the soft answer that turns away wrath. Tactfulness never permits the unnecessary saying or doing of anything that inflicts pain.
It is an egregious error for the wife to taker her husband's love so much for granted that she feels he will love her in spite of her appearance. The neat and clean appearance of the wife and mother in the morning of a new day gives a tone to the entire day that favorably affects all the members of the family. Whoever heard, writes Mrs. Eisenhower in a recent article, of a secretary wearing a spotted dress to work "because it is just the office and no one will see but the boss?" There is no valid excuse for a wife or a mother becoming careless or slipshod about herself or her home. Nor is the husband exempt from the mandates of personal neatness. He must cooperate with the efforts of his wife to elevate the social manners of the home. The cook who insists upon a neat table and good table manners will likely serve a good meal — not one she would be ashamed to serve to her husband's boss. This business of neatness must not be carried to extremes. Neatness can become an obsession, utterly destructive of domestic peace. The comment of Sir John Ervine is in place here: "I'm not so fond of efficiency. Those energetic, neat people who go about the world furiously tidying things appall me. I like a little dirt about. It shows there has been activity; that people have been present, that there is life. The neatest places I know are museums, stuffed with dead things."
There is an old maxim that many of us learned in school: "Politeness is to do or say the kindest thing in the kindest way." Joubert adds to this that politeness is one development of virtue. It is simply the showing by external signs the internal regard we have for others an excellent thing in woman or in man, especially when the woman and the man are married to each other. The basic rule for politeness, says Father Doyle, is being benevolent in small things. Observe this rule and there will never be any big things to mar your family relations.
Generosity and Loyalty Crown Married Life
Generosity and loyalty make up the final pair of shoes of iron and brass that the married couple should wear. True, generosity is a rule imposed upon us by reason; it should be the sovereign law of a rational being. In the marital companionship this generosity should express itself in matters financial, in matters social, in matters domestic. Speaking to newlyweds in 1939, the Holy Father urged all married couples to be generous in pardoning one another's faults and sins "till seventy times seven times." Utter trustfulness is an expression of generosity, as is the sharing of self with one's partner and with the children. This Christian virtue is an antidote to jealousy, and, even as charity, it thinks no evil. The handmaid of generosity is loyalty, loyalty to God and to His laws and to one another, and this loyalty is a keystone in any marriage. Loyalty gives strength and purpose to love when sickness or misfortune strikes one or the other mate. It demands also that neither betray the confidences of the other, or discuss with others the intimate details of family life. Neither husband nor wife should publish abroad their domestic differences but in fervent prayer attempt to overcome them. A union unto death demands the utmost loyalty. Best of all, loyalty wears down selfishness.
Our author has written well in his effort to impart correct attitudes about marriage. To sum up, the man and the woman must be convinced that marriage is a big business which demands large capital of knowledge and skill and stamina if it is to pay a dividend of happiness. They must be convinced that happiness in marriage is not found, but must be made. It is not a bequest; it is an achievement.
An analysis of the virtues and the habits that seem to assure happiness in marriage according to human standards is of little value without prayer, constant prayer to God. The married couple do well to paraphrase the prayer that the priest read over them on the day of their wedding: "Accompany our union with Thy constant assistance, to enable us to live together in peace and love, in the careful discharge of all our duties to Thee and to each other."
- "Cana Is Forever" by Charles Lingo Doyle (Nugent Press, 1949).
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