The Christian Family

by Cardinal Richard J. Cushing, D.D., LL.D.

My treatment of The Christian Family will bypass the notes of condemnation, despair and controversy that have marked many of the statements that have emanated in recent years from press, radio, television and conference hall. I do not deny that, by and large, these woeful comments on the current status of the American family have been true and are justified; I simply wish to strike a positive note and review briefly for your instruction, edification and inspiration some of the essential features in the development of our nation's Number One Need — well-ordered, happy, Christian families.

At the outset let it be noted that Christian families are not the creation of chance, even though many people approach their formation as if such were the case. Not so long ago, a young man called at one of our priests' houses. He was seeking vocational guidance — that is, counsel and advice as to what life work he should undertake. He had just been discharged from the Navy and was in a quandry as to what he should do. That parish priest spoke to him at some length, but acknowledged his lack of expert knowledge in this field of counseling. He advised the young man to sit down with the vocational guidance director at the local high school, discuss his problem with him, and submit to the latest aptitude tests.

A short time later the young man returned to the parish priest and reported that he had followed his advice and that the tests indicated that he might do well as a draftsman or commercial artist. He had chosen the latter and had already made application for admission to an art school, where he planned to pursue the full four year course in preparation for commercial art work. When the priest asked him why he had rejected the field of "drafting," he replied, "That is a tough, tedious course. Anyhow, I could never see myself taking the responsibility for planning bridges or big buildings — That's not for me."

Well! Two months passed! The same young man again called at the rectory. This time, he had in tow a pretty, misty-eyed maiden. Very nonchalantly he told the priest he wanted to make arrangements for marriage. A little questioning brought out these facts: they had met at a dance in the city some few months earlier, he had never met her family, and she knew little or nothing about his background; neither of them had ever read a book on marriage and obviously knew nothing about family life and child care.

Here was the case — by no means a rare occurrence — of a young man who accepted as quite normal and logical the fact that he must study for four long years to learn commercial art, but who had never thought of giving one year, one month, one week or one day to the training for another career — infinitely more technical and important — Parenthood. He who had shied away from the responsibility of building a bridge or a skyscraper was ready rashly to rush into marriage and parenthood without giving it a second thought. Now! Parenthood is a career — a highly specialized career. The office of mother and father is one that demands special knowledge, training and preparation.

Let us examine a few basic truths regarding the functions of the family as a Christian social institution and then address ourselves to some practical considerations pertaining to Christian Family living, such as the roles of family members and the qualities essential to family happiness.

Functions of the Christian Family

The major functions of the family, all of which spring from the purposes of marriage, include the generation of children and their adequate education — physical, intellectual, religious and moral. The carrying out of these functions demands that parents not only fulfill their duties as educators, but also that they maintain a wholesome home environment. The atmosphere of the home must be such that children may develop in happiness therein, secure in their parents' love and care. Indeed if one would desire to incorporate these functions in a somewhat complete blueprint for the ideal Christian family, he might say that this family, broadly speaking, would be one established in accordance with God's laws; one whose members strive for identical natural and supernatural goals; one whose spirit breathes forth faith, trust, charity, obedience and prayerfulness; one whose relationships, both within the family and without, reflect love, consideration and helpfulness.

We can perhaps best appreciate what the genuine Christian family is by trying to picture it in operation in the representative Christian home. The worthy Christian home finds a true Christian family abiding therein and growing in love and care for one another. This home is not constructed in prefabricated fashion in a few weeks or a few years — for it is not purely material. Indeed its true character is achieved not through plaster and paint and sanitary plumbing, but through love and sweat and tears. It is a framework trimmed with remembered moments of joy; cemented by hours of suffering. It is a reflection of the personalities of those who dwell therein, an expression of their likes and dislikes. The true Christian home is an altar of sacrifice and a theatre of comedies and drama; it is a place of work and a haven of rest.

The true Christian home is above all a little church — a place wherein offerings are daily made to God, a place in which a certain reverential attitude is present; it is the scene of family devotions such as the family rosary, family night prayers and the Act of Consecration to the Sacred Heart.

The true Christian home is a little workshop where, in the spirit of the Holy Family of Nazareth, the real dignity of honest labor is first learned, the cowardice of shunning a responsibility is sharply exposed, and the priceless rewards of service to others without calculation of monetary reimbursement are continuously experienced.

The true Christian home is a little recreation center wherein the family finds priceless relaxation from outside woes and work. It is a theatre where little children unconsciously are the stellar performers; where true humor — without recourse to the shoddy and suggestive — generate the ready smile, the hearty laugh and where the most succulent "treats" find Dad "raiding the ice box" over the shoulders of little Mary and tiny Joe.

The true Christian home is the first and best school — wherein education is looked upon as a cooperative task shared by both parents and brothers and sisters in the pre-school years and aided and developed by the professional teacher in school years.

We should pause to observe here that it is unfortunate, today, that the transference of certain phases of the educational process from the home to the classroom has found many parents completely abandoning their role as educators in the formal sense of the term.

These parents leave the child's total intellectual development, and frequently his moral and religious training, to an external authority with whom, in many cases, they have very little contact.

While it is desirable that the classroom teacher should give instruction, not only in facts and in the development of skills, but also in life principles and moral concepts as well, these matters should be merely a reiteration and application of ideas and attitudes formed and nourished in the home. In other words, when parents and teachers cooperate with one another and with divine grace in assisting the child to become all that God ordains for him, they will be presenting to the child a unified picture — a consistent practical standard for being and doing.

However, for the true Christian home to exert its vitalizing influence on its members and to function as a miniature church, school, workshop and recreation center, the individual personalities comprising the home — namely, the father, the mother, the children — must perform their assigned roles. For after all, the home is only the expression of the spirit, the reflection of the combined impress of the individual personalities comprising the family unit and generating the family spirit.

The Father's Role

In the Christian home the God-given power of ruling is vested in the father. His will represents for the family the will of the Heavenly Father. He safeguards and secures the maintenance of the standards by which the family is to fulfill its ends. He recognizes in each member of his family a sacred trust which has been confided by God to him — a trust that involves not only the natural but also the supernatural life of each child.

Conscious that he is still a fallible human being, even though in the divine plan he is the head of the home, the Christian father is a man of prayer, modeling his trust and confidence on the patron of all fathers, St. Joseph. Moreover, with homely prudence he realizes that "two heads are wiser than one," and so he holds counsel frequently with his wife and seldom acts in important matters without her advice.

Over his children the Christian father exercises his authority fairly, wisely and consistently, making a steady, thorough study of the needs, progress and individual characteristics of each child.

Though his word is the final one, the Christian father does not delight in issuing commands. He rules rather by suggestions and by love.

In his role as provider for his family, the father takes reasonable care of his physical well-being, maintains a high level of efficiency in his employment, seeks to advance himself so as to maintain his family in becoming comfort. He seeks to provide not only the "daily bread," but to save for a "rainy day." He strives to acquire for his family a certain "nest egg" — a certain amount of property so as to guarantee a fair measure of security for his family during his life and after his death.

A wise collaborator and loving partner to his wife, a guide, counselor and hero to his children, he gives first place to his family but not to the exclusion of proper interest in the affairs of church and state. He is the zealous supporter of and active participant in parish activities. He is the enthusiastic advocate and worker for those community conditions and legislation that promote wholesome family life and permit the worker and family man to enjoy increased independence and security.

The Mother's Role

She is the heart and center of the home. If the man is the head, the woman is the heart, and as he occupies the first place in ruling, she may and ought to claim for herself the chief place in love.

In her role of motherhood she is concerned in a special way to the important work of educating her children. She molds the minds and wills of the precious trusts God has given her; and upon the effectiveness of her work, the future of the Church, the country and even the population of Heaven to a great extent depend.

The Christian mother in her work has recourse to Mary in whose motherly spirit and action she finds the model for all motherhood. In her daily prayer she asks the Mother of God to help her so that she too may be privileged to see her progeny advance in wisdom, age, grace and Christlike deportment before God and men.

The Christian mother, needless to say, is self-sacrificing. At the same time she maintains her self-respect, dignity and attractiveness in appearance and expression. She takes pains to make her home as attractive as her ingenuity permits, yet always with an eye to economy and livableness. Her family devotion embraces other families within the neighborhood and parish. She is characterized by her readiness to assist others, or to cooperate in neighborhood projects, whether by helping care for a sick neighbor's children or by baking an extra pie for the new family across the street. She takes an interest and share in her children's school work and activities, being ever ready to sew a costume for a classroom play or to attend, duties permitting, the mothers' club meeting.

In her relations with her husband the Christian wife is ever conscious that the bond uniting her with him is one of love; she is also aware that nature has fitted each of them for specific roles which are complementary one to the other. While never ignoring the idealism of the love implied in marriage, the wife, in carrying out her specific role, is most practical in the expression of her love. Meals for the family are appetizingly prepared and promptly served; the house is in good order at all times yet is not so immaculately precise that it is a show place rather than a home. Her husband's socks are always darned, and the buttons are on his shirts, but she never fusses if his den or work place is left in a relative degree of disorder. Despite the domestic calamities of the day, she strives to display amiability in the evening on his return home from work. She takes pride in the fact that he is the father of her children; she considers him an indispensable partner with her in their rearing, but she never becomes so involved in her role as mother, that she forgets she is also the wife.

In her relationship with her children the mother's guidance is more that of a gentle wind than a hurricane or tornado. Her love for all her children is unquestioned, yet she treats each one with the little individualistic difference that is due to his personality and particular temperament. I like to recall the gracious and telling response given by the mother of a large family who was being rather rudely questioned about her family by a somewhat boorish, snobbish and condescending woman visitor. To the query "Which of your many children do you love the most?" — the mother replied simply — "The one who is away from home until he returns — and the one who is sick until she recovers."

The Christian mother develops in her children a sense of responsibility by charging them with household duties ranging from picking up their own clothes to planning and cooking Sunday dinner.

The Christian mother trains her children to bear the consequences of their actions by gently refereeing but not finally settling their little differences, by challenging them to the performance of ever more difficult tasks. As her children go out to school she encourages them to bring their friends into the family circle; she provides little treats occasionally for the neighborhood children; she stimulates neighborhood activity along wholesome, constructive lines.

As her daughters grow older, the Christian mother will gradually impress upon them the importance of their role as future homemakers. She will prepare them adequately to undertake the management of a household by gradually instructing them in the homemaking arts.

As her sons advance in age, she will present to them and make highly practical the standards of conduct which should be characteristic of Christian young men. Together with her husband, she will direct them to whatever calling they seem most suited, not trying to force them into a path which neither their capacities nor desires would incline them to follow.

The Christian mother expresses her deep love for her children in her solicitude for them, in the services she renders them, but more significantly still, in the understanding with which she studies them and guides them — not to the fulfillment of her personal desires for them, but to the particular natural and supernatural perfection God has ordained for each of them.

The Children

What can we say about the role of children in the true Christian family? Surely they must be obedient to parental commands, cooperative in family enterprises, affectionate and considerate of their parents. The trust and confidence that the children place in their parents will be a good indication of the strength and warmth of the family ties.

In addition to an enlarged and deeper interest in life, children contribute an enduring source of emotional satisfaction and joy to their parents. Parents rightly should look upon the development and growth of their children as their work and consider the successes and failures of their children as their successes and failures.

If parents have not achieved all their youthful goals in life, they can rejoice in the sight of these goals being fulfilled in their children. This vicarious fulfillment of life's hopes is not one of the least of the joys of parenthood.

People may have the ambition to show their power in the manipulation of men and money and might, but people who are parents realize that all other prowess is secondary in its soul-satisfying ability to the power of forming and developing the growing child. It can truly be said that parents multiply their lives by the number of children they have, since they live vicariously in each of their children.

There are satisfying careers in the business and professional worlds, but none so consoling as the one that starts with the thrill of teaching one's own flesh and blood his prayers and tucking him to bed at night.

The Christian Family and Other Families

The true Christian family does not grow up hedged in by a thorny growth of prejudice against other nationalities or races, but rather seeks contact with and accepts each individual as a person of innate dignity and inestimable worth, coequal in the sight of God with any other man or woman. How can a family be truly Christian if its vision is so narrow and isolated as to create a blindness to the great supernatural relationship that each man has with all other persons made to the image and likeness of God — and in whom God is present by grace? It goes without need of demonstration that warm inter-family relations are essential to the maintenance of a truly Christian family attitude. Family contacts should include the Jablonskis, the Lee Wongs, the Conants, the Gorettis, the O'Rourkes and the Fillions, the Jensens, the Maloofs, the George Washington Browns and the Goldmans. When families recognize their neighbors as sharers in the common fatherhood of God, as redeemed by Christ, then a bond of brotherhood links each to the other; rich gifts of nature and culture are interchanged and rewarding insights and contacts are made possible.

The family of today has much to learn from the daily life that was led within the walls of the house of Nazareth. There one beheld simplicity and purity of conduct, perfect agreement and unbroken harmony, mutual respect and love, not of the false and fleeting kind, but that which found both its life and its charm in devotedness of service. At Nazareth patient industry provided what was required for food and raiment; there was contentment with little — and a concentration on the diminution of the number of wants rather than on the multiplication of sources of wealth. Better than all else, at Nazareth there was found that supreme peace of mind and gladness of soul which never fails to accompany the possession of a tranquil conscience. At Nazareth one could witness a continuous series of examples of goodness, of modesty, of humility, of hardworking endurance, of kindness to others, of diligence in the small duties of daily life.

Now this ideal — the model of the Family of Nazareth — can be imitated. But concentration on principles is not sufficient for the attainment of this goal. A resolve by each party meticulously to discharge his assigned role is no guarantee of success. The spirit of the Holy Family must be shared and translated into action — Twentieth Century action; and that action repeated must in turn become habits — habits which will serve as the family's barrier against the inroads of our generation's greatest foe, naturalism.

The modern family to be truly Christian must be religious — tied to God and the things of God. It must be permeated by a religious atmosphere, a consciousness that all that is done is done in the presence of God with a realization that true happiness lies in conformity to His Will.

Such expressions as "God willing" or "Thanks be to God" will be a part of the everyday vocabulary of parents and children, since they are expressions of a humble trust in God, a dependence upon Divine Providence. If the family's patterns of thinking and acting with regard to God are correctly formed and faithfully followed, we have the finest guarantee that the warp and woof of the every day life of the Christian family is sound. For the family that is right with God certainly will be right with itself and others. It will be in actual practice a genuine Christian Family.

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