story time

By Diogenes ( articles ) | Aug 06, 2004

Uncle Di, how come you're so sunny and hope-filled all the time?

You see, Melissa, whenever I feel a little glum I pick up the paper and read how our bishops are helping to bring about a kingdom of justice and truth, and then my heart sings.

F'rinstance?

Well, here's a heart-warming story about Albany Bishop Howard Hubbard. Remember Washington Park, where the swing-sets are? Some people say he used to visit there in the evenings in order to celebrate Creation Spirituality with fetching young men.

Yuck.

Exactly. Well it turns out it's not true. A woman named Mary Jo White looked into the story and found out the, er, celebrant wasn't Bishop Hubbard but another man of the same name, age, and ecclesiastical rank.

It was nice of her to think of doing that.

Oh, she didn't volunteer. Bishop Hubbard hired her.

You mean he gave her money?

Two million four hundred thousand dollars. She asked literally dozens of questions.

He must be a really rich man!

No, no, dear. The bishop didn't pay, the Church pays. This is what's technically called the "preferential option for the poor."

But where does the Church get the money? From candy bars?

Don't bother your pretty little head about that. The important thing to keep in mind is that, as a priestly people, what we're about is forgiveness -- especially for wrongs that didn't occur and were thirty years ago anyway.

Let me get this straight. A Catholic bishop takes your money to pay a gal you never hired to say, as far as she can tell, he doesn't hit on non-consenting twinks -- at least during Lent -- so that you can keep paying him to stay on in his job.

Well, yes, that's pretty much today's good news in a nutshell. Now put down that nasty tire-iron and let your Uncle Di read you the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears.