We have $168,714 to go in our Fall Campaign. Every penny is used to strengthen the Church. See details!
Click here to advertise on CatholicCulture.org

seminary doc draft leaked

By Diogenes (bio - articles ) | Nov 07, 2005

While emptying a wastebasket next to the third-floor photocopier, Nino Ganganelli, night-shift janitor of the Congregation for Catholic Education, discovered a typescript that looks to be the penultimate draft of the notorious Doomsday Doc on seminary admissions, here reproduced. Please do not pass on this information to others. As it touches on a sensitive issue with grave pastoral implications, the content is guarded by strict confidentiality, and, prior to publication, is restricted to designated curial employees, their waiters, and their waiters' boyfriends. We found it on e-Bay. It must be emphasized that this is a provisional text, and may not in all respects reflect the final official version.

To our dearest brothers in the episcopate and co-workers in the Vineyard:

It was St. Thérèse of Lisieux, we believe, who said she preferred a spiritual director who had "demonstrated a capacity to live a celibate life for at least three years." The Little Flower, perhaps, was more of an idealist than a realist in this respect, yet she is hardly alone in her desire for a holy and hygienic clergy. Everybody wants priests with "clean chins and shins" -- men with whom you can safely share a syringe, as well as your joys and sorrows -- and this Congregation wishes to leave no doubt concerning the standards of fitness relevant to seminary admissions. To this end, we may establish the following pastoral directives:

  • A seminarian is to be trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, cheerful, considerate, thrifty, and respectful -- or, if not, at least accompanied by a parole officer who is.
  • A seminarian's jewelry and piercings should signal libidinal irregularities that are neither "strong, nor permanent, nor univocal."
  • A candidate should not be admitted to a seminary with whose dean he has danced.

  • A seminarian's tattoos should be in keeping with the spirit of Pastores Dabo Vobis (especially §§7, 29, 44), should demonstrate affective maturity, and should conduce to spiritual repose.
  • Do not bring your cat.

We may say, without fear of contradiction, that careful attention to these simple but vital guidelines will play no insignificant part in the formation of the fully renewed presbyterate mandated by the Second Vatican Council and the Circuit Court of Maricopa County, Arizona.

Say hello to Thumper, mascot of the Vatican Secretariat of State!

An appeal from our founder, Dr. Jeffrey Mirus:

Dear reader: If you found the information on this page helpful in your pursuit of a better Catholic life, please support our work with a donation. Your donation will help us reach seven million Truth-seeking readers worldwide this year. Thank you!

Our Fall Campaign
Progress toward our year-end goal ($168,714 to go):
$200,000.00 $31,285.77
84% 16%
Sound Off! CatholicCulture.org supporters weigh in.

All comments are moderated. To lighten our editing burden, only current donors are allowed to Sound Off. If you are a donor, log in to see the comment form; otherwise please support our work, and Sound Off!

Show 2 Comments? (Hidden)Hide Comments
  • Posted by: John J Plick - Nov. 08, 2005 10:05 AM ET USA

    Just this is worth the "price of the ticket" Diogenes... Poor Thumper!

  • Posted by: Pseudodionysius - Nov. 07, 2005 4:42 PM ET USA

    PETA has just announced a candlelight vigil because of your posts and is petitioning Congress for a new dental plan for platypus tailed rodentia who are befallen by this type of horrible maxillary accident. The CCCB will release a statement deploring your insinuation that the tree felled beaver is a metaphorical expression of the state of their evangelization in Canada. One word springs to mind: Dam.

Fall Campaign
Subscribe for free
Shop Amazon
Click here to advertise on CatholicCulture.org

Recent Catholic Commentary

Preparing for the Synod on the Family October 2
Making sense of the Pope's message to America-- including the Kim Davis meeting October 2
Coming of (old) age under Obamacare: a rant October 1
1971: The best of times, the worst of times October 1
How Christianity spreads around the globe September 30

Top Catholic News

Most Important Stories of the Last 30 Days
Pope issues new rules to streamline annulment process CWN - September 8
In Cuba, Pope emphasizes service to the vulnerable, praises thaw in US-Cuban relations CWN - September 21
Pope challenges America in speech to US Congress CWN - September 24