Training Children Today for Marriages Tomorrow

by Very Rev. Msgr. Francis W. Carney, S.T.D.

Free eBook:

Free eBook: Thinking like a Catholic

The reality of marital unhappiness is a fact of common experience as well as a conclusion of statistical studies. Increasing marital unhappiness is reflected in the growing rate of marital problems, separations, divorces and moral delinquencies in recent years. The personal welfare of many and the national welfare at large are threatened by the instability of the marriage relationship at the present time. There is consequently a growing concern today over the problem of marital unhappiness, and serious efforts are being made by those interested in the field of marriage and family life to undertake measures and programs to counteract the influences that are productive of unhappy marriages. There is much thought, therefore, being given to the means which may be used to prevent marital unhappiness. One of the better recommended approaches is marriage guidance, which is interpreted as a most likely preventive procedure to be employed very readily and on a most universal scale.

The emphasis on marriage guidance in recent years is undeniable in principle and fact. There is much discussion of the need of such guidance for those about to be married, and programs under various auspices have increased tremendously over the past ten years. There has been an accentuation on guidance for marriage and family life on the elementary school level, with a recognition of the importance of the formative years in the later life of the child. Secondary schools employ both formal and informal approaches in preparing the adolescent for marriage. There have been extensive developments on the college level in terms of courses and marriage consultation services. Professional pre-marriage counseling is also on the increase, and through the medium of church and community programs many of our youth are given an opportunity for assistance. Literature on the subject of marriage guidance now exists in abundance.

The approach in practice, however, to adequate and effective marriage guidance must also include the efforts of parents themselves to prepare their children for matrimonial life. Today, however, much more attention is given to other programs of guidance than to those undertaken by parents, and thus the necessity of considering theoretically and practically the parental role in this important service of preparing the youth of today for the marriages of tomorrow.

Guidance Made Simple

Guidance is simply a form of education which seeks to assist people to an understanding and appreciation of correct values. Marriage guidance is directed toward giving youth an understanding and appreciation of the nature of marriage. Obviously, therefore, marriage guidance will vary with the view of those imparting it, parents or others, according to their own personal conception of the matrimonial state. Thus, Catholic guidance for marriage will be different in many respects from guidance given by those who do not accept the principles of Catholicism, though in many areas there will be agreement with others who adhere to a different religious persuasion. What follows relative to the topic of marriage guidance and the role of parents in offering it to youth is in a distinctively Catholic framework. It is directed to the purpose of assisting Catholic parents in the discharge of a tremendous responsibility to their children, to their nation and to their own Church.

Parental Role Must Be Recognized

Initially, parents must recognize their own personal responsibility in the matter of marriage guidance for their children. Parents are the first and primary educators of their child and incur the basic responsibility for the physical, mental, moral, social and religious development of the child. This responsibility stems from their parenthood and is coextensive with the total preparation of the child for life. Preparation of the child for marriage is, then, but a special part of the general education parents are obliged to give their child, as they guide the child to the Christian perfection of person that is required for full adult life. Admittedly, many parents recognize their responsibility for the preparation of the child for all phases of life, but in practice they are willing to delegate the responsibility for this phase of education — along with education generally — to the school, the church, or the community. The many personal aspects of this particular responsibility, however, would definitely indicate that it is best fulfilled by parents themselves. Moreover, children are most conscious of the neglect of parents in this regard and are often bewildered by the silence of their parents in the matter. It is imperative, therefore, that parents clearly recognize their responsibility for marriage guidance and undertake personally the means to provide it for their children. It is especially necessary to remind fathers of their obligation in the situation, because of the current tendency to leave whatever assistance, if rendered at all, to the mother of the family. Actually, the father's cooperation is needed as he has a distinct task to fulfill in the case of the male child. Again, fathers are less likely to show concern over this aspect of the child's education, and thus they must be made a part of the procedure of marriage guidance.

Early Years Affect Future Marriages

Secondly, parents must recognize the influence of the early life of the child in the later success or failure of marriage. Children bring to marriage the personality of youth formed under the direction of their parents. While some change may later be expected by reason of the dynamic nature of personality, the basic personality pattern is a product mainly of the formative years of the child, when the child's development is almost the sole responsibility of parents. The character aspect of the personality of the child demands special attention, and thus parents must be especially careful, both in principle and example, to give the child training in those virtues which are singularly important as factors in marital happiness. The child cannot be talked into virtuous habits and hence the necessity of providing a continuing and consistent pattern for virtuous character in daily life in and outside the home. Parents ought to realize that true character is revealed in action and not conversation, and thus the child, if he is to be influenced toward virtue, must be subjected to the vital force of parental example in the fulfillment of the advanced ideal.

Good Attitudes First Needed at Home

Thirdly, parents must recognize that the future marital happiness or unhappiness of the child is conditioned by several specific factors in the family itself and must be duly attentive to these aspects of family life. The personal happiness of the parents is related directly to the future happiness of their children in marriage. The absence or presence of conflict with father and mother in childhood and adolescence definitely enters into the future marriage of the child as a determining element. The pattern and amount of discipline in the home — whether it is firm or harsh, reasonable or unreasonable — are also factors that relate to subsequent marriage. The independence or over-protection of the child are tremendously influential in the shape of the child's forthcoming marriage. The moral and religious atmosphere of the family is a decided influence also in the later married life of the child. It would seem most important, therefore, that the child be afforded a home life that promotes a healthy outlook toward marriage and family life, that he be protected against encountering within the home those influences that are likely to sow the seeds of bad attitudes in later marital and familial life.

The marriage guidance which parents owe their children can be arranged and discussed most conveniently under two aspects, namely, remote guidance and proximate guidance.

Remote Guidance for Marriage

Relative to remote guidance for marriage, it would appear that -the following practices are especially demanded and important and thus constitute essentials of marriage guidance to be provided in the years of childhood and adolescence by father and mother.

Engage in Discussions. First, parents should engage their children frequently in discussions relative to the importance of the choice of a state of life. It should be made clear to the child that both natural and supernatural happiness are dependent upon his choice. The three states of life should be presented to the child and explained in terms of their dignity, with a positive approach to each state of life. The avoidance of derogatory comments that may foster bad attitudes is necessary, because such remarks linger to complicate the act of choice that must be made personally by the child at a later date. The single, religious and married states must be discussed in terms of the actual realities involved and not in terms of popular errors and glamourous misconceptions that abound among the uninformed. Above all, from a Catholic standpoint the child must be impressed with the fact that the call of God to sanctification and salvation will have to be responded to by a choice of one of the states of life. Therefore a choice ought to be made with this motive in mind. Parents should be very careful that their assistance remains within the area of guidance and does not transform itself into pressure or force of any kind that deprives the child of the possibility of a free decision.

Correct Attitude Toward Sex. Secondly, whether the child eventually remains single, enters marriage or embraces religious life, it is necessary that the child be in possession of a thoroughly Christian attitude toward sex and be instructed with the truths that give rise to a healthy attitude. In any state of life, the sex impulse can be naturally and supernaturally constructive or destructive. This must be made known to the child, lest he emerge with the idea that sex is an entirely unwholesome drive and make a bad choice of a state of life on the merit of this idea alone. Marriage is not a refuge for persons addicted to sex sins; the single state is not incompatible with this drive of nature; and religious life is not without its problems in this regard. In any event, in all states of life adjustments of a sexual nature have to be made, and truthful knowledge and good attitudes are essential to good adjustment. It must be remarked that it is a personal parental responsibility to give such sex instruction as is necessary for the child at the various stages of childhood and adolescence. It is rather dangerous to allow for its delegation to others who are not motivated by love for the child or are ignorant of the existence of individual differences in children in this regard. Be it sufficient to state that parents should truthfully impart sexual information to the child as the child gives evidence of a need for it and a readiness to accept it. Concomitantly, ideals of virtue must be imparted that will make for the right use of the knowledge given.

Character Development Not Delegated. Third, parents should carefully watch over the personality and character development of the child. Personality traits and tendencies that make for poor life adjustment must be eliminated as they appear, since they may continue to the point where they later will cause serious maladjustment in any state of life. While it is true that there are constants in the matter of personality, it is likewise true that environmental and educational influences and personal self-discipline can be brought to bear upon personality and shape it for the better. The child is not condemned, except in very rare instances, to a hopeless personality; and parents must be alive to the possibility of a change for the better. In the matter of character training parents ought to be conscious of the fact that they exert a tremendous influence on the child and that they can be very exacting in the matter of change of character, since it falls so much under the domination of the human will. The presentation of proper ethical and moral standards to the child, the stressing of Christian ideals in human conduct, and the development of basic virtues should be insisted upon as part of the character-building program for the child. Special emphasis must be placed upon the assistance of Divine grace, because it is an often forgotten element in the ordinary character-building approaches.

Teach Them Responsibilities. Fourthly, parents must see to the gradual assumption of responsibilities by the child in the family unit. Dependency feelings are provocative of trouble in any state of life and lessen the desire to fulfill the responsibilities of one's state; they thus make for maladjustment and unhappiness. Tasks, therefore, should be assigned to the child that will prepare him for an independent life and give him a certain enthusiasm for self accomplishment — and this from an early age, and with a gradual increasing importance to the responsibilities assigned. Likewise, the child must be given a feeling of participation in the management of the home, though not to the point that parental authority is diminished or destroyed. Rather, the ideal is toward a participation in the home affairs that will allow for the development of a sense of community that is so essential in human living in all its aspects. The art of living together is an indispensable ingredient for successful living with man and God. Further, parents must see to it that the child acquires a Christian sense of values with regard to material things. It is important to be able to distinguish the necessary from the luxurious, because no state of life inherently guarantees a maximum of economic satisfactions; and the spirit of healthy sacrifice of material things is of tremendous importance, if one is to foster any strong desire for the things of the spirit. As a summation of this point, it might be well to remind parents that the objective of child development is the mature personality and perfect Christian, the independent human person equipped to make the necessary adjustment in any state of life so as to secure the maximum of natural happiness and supernatural holiness.

Proximate Guidance in Marriage

Granting the indications of a child's definite intention to choose marriage as a state of life, the matter of proximate preparation for marriage becomes mandatory for both parents. Needless to state, it is imperative for parents to show acceptance of the choice of the child and manifest a willingness to work seriously with the child in the effort to obtain the proper guidance. The parents' initial attitude is an important consideration for future assistance to the child. The child is less likely to be attentive to the unreconciled parent, whereas he will be most responsive to the parent who manifests an encouraging attitude toward his choice of marriage. It is extremely important that parents who have an inner desire that the child enter religious life refrain from expressing in word or action their disappointment or even indignation over the choice of marriage. Too, over-dependent parents, who selfishly plan for their emotional security upon their child, must be careful not to remain unreconciled to the choice that they will have to accept eventually. Parents therefore, once the choice of the married state becomes apparent and definite, must develop an attitude of willing assistance in preparing, in the best way possible, their child for marriage.

The proximate guidance given the child for marriage ought to embrace the following essentials and can be amplified into including many other specifics that may emerge as necessary points of guidance from the experience of the parents themselves or from a knowledge of their own child.

Positive View on Marriage. First, parents must give their child a positive view of marriage with an adequate explanation of the nature and purposes of Christian marriage. The necessity of this is obvious, when one considers the prevalent distorted views of marriage that commonly confront the child in all areas of communication. The Divine plan for marriage is the framework in which all points of instruction must converge. Stress should be placed upon the sacredness of marriage in view of its Divine institution and purposes; the vocational aspect of marriage should be highlighted, so as to give the child the right motivation for marriage and the realization that holiness of life and ultimately salvation are the expected results of the marital life; a realistic view of marriage must be presented in terms of its serious obligations and duties to counteract the tendency to an overly romantic idealization of matrimonial life; love must be presented as an experience to be achieved totally only after years of marriage and not as a momentary experience that leads to marriage; Divine grace must be explained as a real assistance given to the married to fulfill the duties of marriage, and the sacramental nature of marriage must be made to loom more important than institutional features. Catholic parents can presume here a common point of conversation, for their child will have had, through the benefit of Catholic education, previous instruction in these things. It is their task, however, to impress them with the necessity of this view of marriage, if happiness and holiness are to be achieved. Parents may find it proper to invoke the wisdom of their own matrimonial experience to persuade the child to accept the ideals of Christian marriage.

Cautious Dating Habits. Secondly, parents must exercise a vigilance over the dating and courtship habits of their child. Admittedly this is a difficult area of parent-child relationship, but the welfare of the child demands special attention at this time. Parents should encourage selective rather than steady dating to allow the child the opportunity for the experience of many hetero-sexual relationships that will assist the child in making a choice at a later date in view of knowledge of various personality patterns in the opposite sex. It should be made clear to the child that the periods of dating and courtship are really the novitiate of marriage and that they serve the purpose of assisting in the choice of a suitable partner. The necessity of observing the amenities of socially accepted behaviour and careful adherence to moral standards of Catholicism must be singularly emphasized in view of youth's tendency to assert itself and do independent thinking in this regard. The child should be guarded against companionships and courtships with individuals with whom marriage is impossible or undesirable from a Catholic standpoint. The exercise of vigilance demands from parents a conscientious effort to provide suitable social contacts of the opposite sex for their children and a careful supervision of those acquaintances which are made in school, recreation and work.

Consult Others. Thirdly, parents ought to encourage their child to seek the assistance of others who may reliably give them guidance in the matter of marriage or the choice of a life partner. In particular, relatives, friends, and older married children can be the source of much sensible guidance. Of special importance would be the admonition of parents to consult with the parish priest or a regular confessor for the proper religious and moral perspective on marriage. Parents must guard against giving the child the impression that the clergy and religious are incapable of giving proper counsel and advice. Likewise, it is not out of order for the parents to suggest visiting with the family doctor, not only for a physical clearance for marriage, but — in view of the fact that physicians in increasing number are seriously accepting their responsibility in the matter of marriage counseling — for their advice, which may be extremely beneficial from a psychological as well as physical aspect.

Take Advantage of Opportunities. Fourthly, parents ought to provide the encouragement their child needs to take advantage of the many programs that are offered today by schools, parish groups and organizations which serve as immediate preparation for a forthcoming marriage. Courses of pre-marital instruction, days of recollection for the engaged, brides' retreats, and parish devotions serve as excellent means to psychologically and spiritually orient the young for marriage. Parents, too, might provide within the home reading materials, particularly of a spiritual type, which relate to marriage and family life and discuss the content with the child. Finally, since marriage is a vocation, it is most proper that the child be instructed to pray for a holy and successful marriage and that as marriage approaches, it become an intention of family prayer.

The family is the biological and moral cell of society. It is also the cell of the Mystical Body, and the reflection of the Body as a whole. Proper guidance for marriage has serious impact for good on the welfare of our nation; proper Catholic guidance for marriage is essential for the spiritual welfare of the Mystical Body. The glory of God and the good of our nation ought to give sufficient motivation to our parents of today to undertake their Divinely assigned responsibility of educating their children to full protection of adult life. Parents should give serious attention to their special obligation of providing their children with Christian guidance for marriage at this time when the Divine plan for marriage has already been erased from the mind of man to a degree that nation and Church are menaced by the ravages of unstable and unhappy and unholy marriages. Let our Catholic parents meditate, as they watch the young advance toward marriage, on these words of Pope Pius XI: "For it cannot be denied that the basis of happy wedlock, and the ruin of an unhappy one, is prepared and set in the souls of boys and girls during the period of childhood and adolescence."

© Family Life Bureau

This item 7856 digitally provided courtesy of CatholicCulture.org