Holiness in Marriage

by Rev. John J. O'Sullivan, S.T.D

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God is love and in the light of this truth, the most momentous that has ever dawned on the mind of men, all things fall into their proper place. God's first law is that He be loved and the expression of this love is the love that one has for his neighbor. In the case of married persons, their neighbor is their partner. In the good marriage there is a holy rivalry, with each person wanting to be the better spouse. This is the perfect compliment, and it is the best way of inspiring another person to make the best effort possible. Love understands that even married life is wearing, wearying, and weakening. Understanding this, one makes allowances for the struggling partner, while the grace of Matrimony always moves those who invoke it to greater exertion.

The reason for marrying is to be together, to be united in fulfilling God's purposes. If two people are to work to their advantage and to the advantage of their children, they must have much in common. Where they do not have everything in common, they must at least agree on essentials: 1) about God and 2) about what God demands of His people in marriage. It was Augustine, the psychologist not the bishop, who asked: "How can there be accord in love where there is discord in faith?" The argument rests on a simple fact: Catholics have a mentality, an outlook which is different than that of other persons. They have a way of life, a way of thinking, a set of values which is unlike that of everyone else. Catholics emerge in their adult life marked by the belief in their lives and the faith in their homes. So do other people.

St. Augustine has written of one woman (his mother Monica) who was serious about her role and successful in recovering an erring partner and a wayward, unbelieving son. In his Confessions he puts it this way:

When she reached the age for marriage, and was bestowed upon a husband, she served him as her lord. She used all her effort to win him to You, preaching You to him by her character, by which You made her beautiful to her husband, respected and loved by him and admirable in his sight. For she bore his acts of unfaithfulness quietly, and never had any jealous scene with her husband about them. She awaited Your mercy upon him, that he might grow chaste through faith in You.

Sacrifice: the Test of Love

Love must pass a test. As the Church states it, "It is most fitting that you rest the security of your wedded life upon the great principle of self-sacrifice." Marriage means making someone else the center of your life. When one loves enough he stops being self-centered. "Unconditional surrender" is quite honorable for a wedded couple, since it is the only way of achieving true oneness. Generosity, not novelty, is what makes a couple so happy in their first days and weeks together. Though love is stronger than death, it can be killed by little things. Sacrifice is essential for the success of the marriage — for the words which promise the gift of the self are so easy to say, but the promise is so hard to keep. The reality of love can be harsh and dreadful compared with the dream of love. Everyone marries a person who must be loved according to individual needs. A woman needs acceptance, assurance, affection. When this is called to her husband's attention, he may reject the whole program curtly: "I don't go for that." Here we have a double defect; because his partner's needs have been disregarded, she has ceased to be the center of his life. Thus with five words he cancels out the three words (I love you) with which he pledged his life-long love in the beginning. In contrast, there is the experience of Coventry Patmore who could write: "Thank God! I did not wait for Death to show me the value of my Treasure."

True love is ennobling, moving the couple to the greatest virtue. This is one of love's clearest and most unmistakable signs: that it drives the two persons to a realization of what they are. "What we all most need is the one who can liberate within us that lifelong prisoner whose doom it is to remain a captive until another sets it free — our best. For we can never set our best free by our own hands; that must always be done by another."

Reorientation Through Love

Religious conversion and human love are alike in this: each calls for the reorganization of one's whole life and all its aspects around a new center. Love impels one to make another person the center of his life, while religious conversion calls for a re-ordering of one's life in terms of God known anew or discovered for the first time.

"Although he was a man of great virtue he was not able to escape the snare of marriage." Thus wrote a biographer about Frederick Ozanam, one of the great French laymen of the last century. The spirit behind that sentence has been condemned again and again by the Church, which counts Matrimony one of Christ's Sacraments. For marriage is a holy way of life, and those in it are called to sanctity.

Ozanam is an ideal example of how a Christian in any age may decide on a vocation. Our understanding of married goodness can be enhanced if we give thought to his unusual insights and the spirit in which he weighed his future: "I fee a void growing within me which neither friendship nor intellectual work fills. I do not know what will fill it. Will it be the Creator? Will it be a creature? If the latter I am praying that she may come only when I have made myself worthy of her . . . may she bring great virtues in a great soul." What reverence he showed for both states before him! What humility he offered to his unseen partner!

Where the idea of holiness is limited to a religious vocation one overlooks the opportunities and obligations for sanctity in marriage and parenthood. And certainly ignorance of the true dignity of the married state can lead to a confusion of values.

Right Outlook, Good Morale

Married couples know that good morale lends strength to those under pressure. Morale means an ideal, a zest for the struggle in marriage that promotes the glory of Christian love. Even under the best of circumstances marriage is a strain on man and woman, on parents and children. It is the "daily-ness" which wears the couples with such choices as will it be the wife in the home or the working wife? Will it be the modest comfort of the Christian home or the allegedly "gracious" living — which may invite living beyond one's means?

One man expressed the spirit with which many are working through these problems: "I work in town all day and it is one shift of my work. Then I come home to a wife who has spent her day caring for our children. Their care is something that I want to share when I come home. We eat together, play a bit, package them in pajamas, say some prayers with them and see that they get to bed. By then we have had a long day. It is my understanding that one becomes holy by doing one's duty, and this is ours. We have time for many good things, but largely we find our duty in the demands of the day and of the family." Many a couple will recognize themselves in this account of family living.

All of this is proof that the laity have been acting as though St. Paul had them in mind especially when he wrote: "This is the will of God, your sanctification." They are responding to that directive by living simple, humble lives marked by a sense of peace and by more than a suggestion of quiet happiness.

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