Talking Sex To Teens
Every human being has been created by God out of love, for love. God gave us life out of his own goodness. Man has done nothing to merit his own creation. It is a free gift from God. Each person is created by God for love, loving God and his neighbor out of love for God, so as to be with him who is love forever in heaven.
Out of his love God freely gives life. Love, therefore, is rooted in self-giving. God gives of his divine life, without diminishing himself, that we may have life. Similarly, man is created that he may give of himself to God and to others as part of his vocation — God's plan for each person. It would seem that if man gives of himself he would have less. Materially, this may be, but spiritually, it is the opposite. Man gains when he gives of himself for he grows in likeness to his God. The more man gives of himself to God, and to his neighbor out of love for God, the more fulfilled and the happier he will be on earth and in heaven.
As a means of expressing every person's ability to love, God has given human beings their sexuality. When a man loves, he loves with his whole sexual being. When a woman loves, she loves with her whole sexual being. God has created man, male and female, to be complementary in life and in love.
In marriage, a man offers himself in love, through his sexuality, to his wife. Likewise, a woman offers herself in love, through her sexuality, to her husband. It is within marriage that God extends to a man and a woman the expression of human love through physical intimacy. The form of this physical intimacy is the surrendering of one's self to one's spouse, thereby recommitting oneself to the marriage vows. In this holy exchange the spouses not only recommit themselves to each other but to God before whom they pronounced their vows.
In consecrated celibacy, men and women offer their complete sexual beings directly and totally to God.1 Likewise, single men and women are equally capable of intense human and divine love without physical intimacy, since sexuality is not limited to its genital expression. If it were, the world would not have such tremendous lovers as Mother Teresa, John Neumann, Pier Giorgio Frassati, Gianna Beretta Molla, Bridget of Sweden, Louis IX, the Blessed Virgin Mary, and even Jesus Christ himself!
A necessary virtue in anyone who loves as God loves is chastity. Chastity successfully integrates "sexuality within the person and thus the inner unity of man in his bodily and spiritual being."2 That is, chastity frees a person totally to identify their love with God's. The inability to master one's sexuality and achieve chastity limits one's ability to integrate the physical and spiritual aspects of human sexuality. It makes love imperfect.
Recognizing that there are many influences in society today that encourage the young to abandon chastity, the Church seeks to aid parents and educators to help young people make informed, holy, Christian decisions. Because the purpose of the Church is to lead people to salvation, the Church wants parents especially to impart a proper view of human sexuality to their children that they may develop a proper and effective appreciation for human sexuality and its role in building one's path toward heaven.
Furthermore, the Church desires to aid persons to discover and follow the vocations God has chosen for them. God creates every person to love him, to give of themselves within a vocation. To learn that vocation and then live it completely, a person must understand human sexuality and chastity. For instance, the Church wants strong marriages that are rooted in trust. That trust begins with self-giving and sacrifice. An improper understanding of human sexuality — selfish, and purely physical — can ruin a marriage and certainly will undermine its spiritual development and growth. Such a misunderstanding could also destroy a vocation to consecrated celibacy since the celibate must not be selfish, but God-focused, other-focused.
Looking at human sexuality from an individualistic perspective gives an incomplete picture. God has also charged every person to love his neighbor as himself. A selfless understanding of human sexuality as a means of self-giving is vital to a person loving his neighbor as himself. A purely physical understanding of human sexuality limits a person's ability to love completely. Such a limitation may lead a person to view others as objects rather than persons. In such a case, it is easy to perceive exploitation of others as a good. In contrast, a holistic appreciation for the human contribution of each person, gained through selfless love, will lead one to place the common good above personal gain. Unfortunately, a selfish, deformed love, has been the source of many difficulties in modern society, including divorce, sexual abuse, teenage pregnancy, and abortion. A proper understanding of human sexuality, as selfless and inseparable from the person, is essential to love based on sacrifice and to peace in a society. It is this the Church wishes to achieve through its teachings on human sexuality.
One way the Roman Catholic Church formally teaches on human sexuality is through the words of the popes of this century, especially John Paul II. In fact, it is during his pontificate that the first delineation of principles has been formulated for education in human sexuality. This list of principles has been formulated by John Paul's own Pontifical Council for the Family (PCF) in the November 1995 document, "The Truth and Meaning of Human Sexuality: Guidelines for Education Within the Family." These principles must guide any curriculum in human sexuality if that curriculum is to educate in true love. To elucidate these guidelines, excerpts from the writings of Pope Pius XI and Pope John Paul II will be used, as well as relevant texts from Vatican Council II and other Church documents.
Nine Principles For Education In Human Sexuality
The nine principles for education in human sexuality can be broken into three categories: information about sexuality; working principles and their particular norms; the role of other educators. The following chart presents the principles of each category, which will be explained.
Principles For Imparting Information About Sexuality
1. Each child is unique and unrepeatable as a person and must receive individualized formation.3
2. The explanations of parents must involve the moral dimensions.4
3. A broad education in love must be the setting for formation in chastity and information regarding sexuality.5
4. Parents should provide this information clearly and at the appropriate time.6
Working Principles And Their Particular Norms
5. Human sexuality is a sacred mystery and must be explained according to the doctrinal and moral teaching of the Church.7
6. Information must be proportionate to each phase of a child's individual development.8
7. No material of an erotic nature should be presented to the young.9
8. No one should ever be invited, let alone obliged, to act against his or her own modesty or against his or her own delicacy or sense of privacy.10
The Role Of Other Educators
9. The role of other educators in the education of young people in human sexuality requires willing conformity to authentic moral doctrine, trust, competence, sensitivity, and a solid religious formation.11
Imparting Information About Sexuality
The four principles under the category of imparting information about sexuality form the essential foundation for the proper understanding of human sexuality by children. They are fundamental to the proper transmission of moral and ethical guidelines.
1. "Each child is a unique and unrepeatable person and must receive individualized formation. Since parents know, understand and love each of their children in their uniqueness, they are in the best position to decide what the appropriate time is for providing a variety of information, according to their children's physical and spiritual growth. No one can take this capacity for discernment away from conscientious parents" (PCF, 65).
The first principle can be broken into two parts: the individualized formation of each child; and, the parents' primary right as educators of their children.
Each child must receive individualized formation because he is unique and will mature differently from every other person.12 Since every child matures differently, each one will need different information and guidance at different ages. Only individualized education can determine a child's need and assure that appropriate education and training are provided each child. Implicit in this first principle is that the preferable setting for the individual formation of a child, especially in the more intimate biological and affective aspects of human sexuality, should be the family.13
Who knows a child better, his personality and his developmental needs, than that child's parents?14 For this reason, the PCF teaches that parents have the primary right and responsibility, as educators of their children, to instruct regarding human sexuality. The council's teaching is grounded in the teachings of Pope Pius XI and Pope John Paul II wherein the pontiffs reiterate the parents' primary right and duty to educate their children.15 This right of parents as the primary educators of their children necessarily entails education in human sexuality. And, parents have the responsibility to determine what training is best for their children and when it is best to impart this knowledge.16 If parents do not do what is best for their children, they are falling short of their calling as Christian parents.
Because parents are aided by God's grace through the sacrament of Matrimony, they have the guidance and strength necessary to educate their children in human sexuality.17 This Catholic teaching should serve to encourage parents to know that with the help of God and the Church they can raise their children, educating them to be morally and ethically upright. This privilege is a source of strength for parents who are fully open to the totality of God's love.
In conclusion, no one can remove from conscientious parents the decision of what, when, and how information is given to their children.18 They, as parents, have been given by God "the right to educate their children in conformity with their moral and religious convictions, taking into account the cultural traditions of the family which favour the good and the dignity of the child."19
2. "The moral dimension must always be part of their explanations" (PCF, 68).
In educating their children, parents must explain to them the advantage of living chastity. In so doing, their children will be best able to follow God's plan in the proper use of the gift of sexuality, whether in marriage or in consecrated virginity or celibacy.20 Chastity is a self-mastery, a self-discipline that enables its possessor to integrate and master sexuality so that he can truly love with his whole being. "Only a person who knows how to be chaste will know how to love in marriage or in virginity."21
The moral dimension is vital to information about sexuality. To instruct the young in sexuality without morality is condemned by John Paul II, "The Church is firmly opposed to an often widespread form of imparting sex information dissociated from moral principles. That would merely be an introduction to the experience of pleasure and a stimulus leading to the loss of serenity . . . by opening the way to vice."22 Parents should instruct their children that chastity is right and unchastity is wrong, but also why chastity is good and unchastity is evil. In so doing, parents should always give clear and well-reasoned arguments for rejecting immoral mindsets opposed to chastity. Such education in the truth depicts a love for the child for two reasons. First, giving the child guidance that will aid him in living a virtuous life so as to reach heaven one day. Secondly, parents would be giving their children the understanding necessary to answer for themselves and for others arguments in support of unchaste living. Furthermore, the example of chaste living by the parents should teach their children experientially the beauty and advantage of chastity.
3. "Formation in chastity and timely information regarding sexuality must be provided in the broadest context of education for love. It is not sufficient, therefore, to provide information about sex together with objective moral principles" (PCF, 70).
Parents must teach their children that sexual information and the relevant moral principles are intertwined in a chaste life of love and of self-giving. Without chastity and a proper understanding of human sexuality, no person can love rightly 151; can give himself totally and properly. Persons are called to live chastity with a proper understanding of human sexuality so as to love God and one's neighbor. Parents must teach their children how to grow in love of God and neighbor, as well as how to overcome difficulties to love, through "discipline of the senses and the mind, watchfulness and prudence in avoiding occasions of sin, the observance of modesty, moderation in recreation, wholesome pursuits, assiduous prayer and frequent reception of the Sacraments of Penance and the Eucharist. Young people especially should foster devotion to the Immaculate Mother of God."23
4. "Parents should provide this information with great delicacy, but clearly and at the appropriate time" (PCF, 75).
The appropriate time will be different for each child based on each one's particular development, and the influences of life upon him from both cultural and environmental sources.24 In light of the child's development and the influences upon the child, the parents' words must be neither too explicit — wherein a child's innocence is destroyed — nor too vague — not explaining the facts and relevant morality which may lead a child to go to other, potentially less desired individuals for answers.25 In such cases a child will not be given an appropriate understanding of human sexuality and will be handicapped in his ability to love.
Four Practical Principles
While the first four principles provide the foundation for education in human sexuality, the second four build upon them as they focus upon the mechanics of education in human sexuality. This second group gives four practical principles to guide the design, dissemination, and applicability of information on human sexuality.
5. "Human sexuality is a sacred mystery and must be presented according to the doctrinal and moral teaching of the Church, always bearing in mind the effects of original sin" (PCF, 122).
Parents must strive to preserve the sacredness and mystery of human sexuality in a world where the distortion of that sacredness has become commonplace. In order to do so, parents must teach the doctrinal and moral teachings of the Church on human sexuality. It is the Church, in a special way, that teaches and gives a true understanding of human sexuality in its doctrine. In its moral teachings it also strives to safeguard the holy and chaste expression of human sexuality within marriage or celibacy. In preparing their children to make moral choices, especially regarding human sexuality, parents must inform clearly and precisely their children's consciences in accord with spiritual values. This process must take into account the effects of original sin, namely, weakness and the need for God's grace to overcome temptations and avoid sin. Parents must realize that there is much in the world to cloud the truth within the consciences of their children. But, the truth will set their children free. Therefore, parents must impart doctrinal and moral truth regarding human sexuality as found in its fullness in the Church. Children must also be shown how to grow in Christian virtues, and enhance their potential for self-giving in preparation for their vocation. For each vocation, whether marriage or celibacy, is a vocation of love, of self-giving to God through another or directly to God.26
6. "Only information proportionate to each phase of their individual development should be presented to children and young people" (PCF, 124).
For the purposes of this paper only the information proportionate to the phase of puberty will be relevant. Within this phase, education regarding the genital aspects of sexual relationship must involve Christian values and a holistic approach toward the reality of human sexuality. Within this context, boys and girls should be given the proper education about their genital development before learning it from potentially less desirable sources. Daughters should be aided by their parents to understand the bodily, psychological, and spiritual aspects of their development.27 Education for girls at this stage will normally involve the cycles of fertility and their meaning, and should not include discussion of sexual union unless it is "explicitly requested" by daughters.28 This education for boys should be given "in an atmosphere of serenity, positively and with reserve, in the framework of marriage, family and fatherhood."29 Mindful that at this stage boys and girls begin to notice the changes in the other sex, each sex should also receive "detailed and sufficient information about the bodily and psychological characteristics of the opposite sex."30
If parents feel the need, their children's education in love can be enhanced by a conscientious doctor and/or psychologist who safeguards the unity between this education and the Faith and the educational work of the priest.31
The education in love of boys and girls must point out the beauty of motherhood and fatherhood, and the wonderful gift of procreation where a husband and wife co-create with God a person who is the fruit of their total self-giving.32 In such education parents will help their children to overcome the temptation to use sexuality in a hedonistic and materialistic way.33 Parents should also impart to their children a clear and selfless appreciation for the beauty of virginity, where a person accepts God's invitation to live a life completely dedicated to him and offers his sexuality totally to him.34
As part of their instruction on intimacy, parents must include its spiritual as well as its moral aspects, highlighting God's commandments as a way of life and the proper formation of a right conscience.35 When answering their children's questions, their answers must affirm sexuality as a gift of God, and must not denigrate it to being something "dirty." These answers should include logical reasoning about why chastity is good and why permissive behavior is not good.36 In association with these arguments, parents should teach their children the value of Christian modesty, moderate dress, and a proper disregard for popular trends, or "fads."37
Homosexuality and sexual perversions that are ordinarily rare should not be mentioned in early adolescence except in cases where a specific serious problem has arisen. If a serious problem occurs parents should respond through individual counseling of their child.38
7. "No material of an erotic nature should be presented to children or young people of any age, individually or in a group" (PCF, 126).
Four words must characterize any sexual information given in the context of education for love: "positive and prudent,"39 and, "clear and delicate."40 The following are examples of offenses against this principle as specified by the Pontifical Council for the Family: a) visual erotic material,41 b) written or verbal erotic presentations, c) obscene or coarse language,42 d) indecent humor,43 e) the denigration of chastity and f) attempts to minimize the gravity of sin against this virtue.44
In addition, any material concerning childbirth should be given gradually, not suddenly and graphically, so as not to cause fear and aversion towards procreation in girls and young women.45
8. "No one should ever be invited, let alone obliged, to act in any way that could objectively offend against modesty or which could subjectively offend against his or her own delicacy or sense of privacy" (PCF, 127).
The following abuses would contradict this eighth principle: a) every "dramatized" representation, mime or "role playing" which depicts genital or erotic matters, b) making drawings, charts or models, etc. of this nature, c) seeking personal information about sexual questions that excludes the context of prudent and appropriate teaching about the natural regulation of fertility, or asking that family information be divulged, d) oral or written exams about genital or erotic questions.46
The Role Of Other Educators
9. The final principle speaks to the question of others, besides parents, offering education in human sexuality within the context of education for love. This category is dealt with extensively in "The Truth and Meaning of Human Sexuality," and has considerable importance in educating children in human sexuality. As is evident in the Church's teachings, parents are the "essential, original, primary, irreplaceable and inalienable" teachers of their children, individually, in the education for love.47 The role of other educators in assisting parents "is always subsidiary, because the formative role of the family is always preferable, and subordinate, that is, subject to the parents' attentive guidance and control."48 Nevertheless, the Church does recognize that some parents may find help from others useful when educating their children in human sexuality. Therefore, the following methods are recommended by the Pontifical Council for the Family.
A. As couples or as individuals, parents can meet with others who are prepared for education for love, drawing on their experience and competence. In order for these individuals to be prepared for education for love, they must be mature, known to possess good morals, and faithful to their own vocation in life. Not only must they comprehend the moral and sexual information for education in love, but they must also understand the rights and role of parents and the family, as well as the needs and problems of children and young people.49 Furthermore, these individuals must be ready and willing to teach in conformity with the authentic moral doctrine of the Catholic Church.50 The educators can offer explanations and provide parents with books and other resources approved by the ecclesiastical authorities.
B. Parents who feel less confident about teaching the troublesome side of education for love can meet with their children and trustworthy persons such as doctors, priests, and educators. If it is more profitable for communication meetings may be held with only sons or daughters present.51
C. In particular situations, parents may enlist another trustworthy person to teach part of education for love if there are topics which require a specific competence or care.52
D. Other trustworthy persons may impart teaching on morality with special attention given to sexual ethics at puberty and adolescence. However, this teaching may not include the more intimate parts of sexual information, whether biological or affective, since these are properly discussed individually with the family.53
E. Parents should be able to receive solid religious formation, especially well-grounded instruction in true love, so that they will be able to form their children in the Faith, in love, in life.54
As the PCF recommends the previous methods to aid parents in imparting education in love to their children, the PCF also condemns certain prevalent methods that give a faulty education in love.
A. Some secular and anti-natalist methods put God at the edge of life and regard the birth of a child as a danger. Such an ideology strives to promote the myth of overpopulation, "reproductive health," safe sex, contraception, sterilization, and abortion. On the contrary, true education in human sexuality must explain the evil of abortion gradually, beginning even before adolescence. Adolescents must also receive education explaining the wrongs of "safe sex," sterilization, and contraception. In addition, they should be given the moral, spiritual and health differences of natural regulation of fertility.55
B. Many professional sex-educators, sex-counselors and sex-therapists operate under faulty theories which lack scientific value, misunderstand the truth of man's existence, and fail to comprehend the true beauty and importance of chastity in life, and in love.56
C. Some methods of education in human sexuality include intimate genital information, even presented in a graphic way. This education is often given to teach children about "safe sex," so as to counteract the spread of AIDS. The only licit and guaranteed effective way of offsetting the spread of AIDS is abstinence outside of marriage and fidelity in marriage.57
D. "Values clarification" programs offer the children autonomy in deciding upon moral issues apart from objective moral law and without proper formation of conscience. It claims to give young people freedom and autonomy, but does the opposite at an insecure point in the young person's development. In reality what occurs is that the view of the majority, what is popular, is adopted. Furthermore, a young person who has not been formed in morality regarding simple every day life situations is given a complex moral dilemma remote from his daily life that he is expected to decide upon correctly. This method promotes moral relativism and permissiveness.58
In conclusion, the Church does have a role to play in guiding education in human sexuality. She has spoken on this issue in the past and now she continues to give her guidance on education in human sexuality in "The Truth and Meaning of Human Sexuality." The nine principles of this document, which have been explained must be employed in any curriculum of human sexuality if it is to educate in true love.
Notes
1. Catechism of the Catholic Church, 1579.
2. Ibid., 1994, 2337.
3. Pontifical Council for the Family, "The Truth and Meaning of Human Sexuality," November 21, 1995, 65.
4. Ibid., 68.
5. Ibid., 70.
6. Ibid., 75.
7. Ibid., 122.
8. Ibid., 124.
9. Ibid., 126.
10. Ibid., 127.
11. Ibid., 129-134. In the actual PCF document, this ninth principle is an area of emphasis, but for the purpose of this paper it is considered as a principle.
12. Ibid., 66.
13. Congregation for Catholic Education, "Educational Guidance in Human Love," November 1, 1983, 58.
14. Pontifical Council for the Family, "The Truth and Meaning of Human Sexuality," November 21, 1995, 65.
15. Pius XI, "Divini Illius Magistri," December 31,1929,17; John Paul II, "Familiaris Consortio," November 22, 1981, 36.
16. John Paul II, "Familiaris Consortio," November 22, 1981, 37.
17. Ibid., 38.
18. Pontifical Council for the Family, "The Truth and Meaning of Human Sexuality," November 21, 1995, 43.
19. Charter of the Rights of the Family, presented by the Holy See, October 22, 1983, art. 5.
20. John Paul II, "Familiaris Consortio," November 22, 1981, 16.
21. Pontifical Council for the Family, "The Truth and Meaning of Human Sexuality," November 21, 1995, 68.
22. John Paul II, "Familiaris Consortio," November 22, 1981, 37.
23. Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, Declaration on Certain Questions Concerning Sexual Ethics, "The Human Person," December 29, 1975, 12.
24. Pontifical Council for the Family, "The Truth and Meaning of Human Sexuality," November 21, 1995, 75.
25. Ibid.
26. Ibid., 122-123.
27. John Paul II, "Mulieris Dignitatem," August 15, 1988, 17 ff.
28. Pontifical Council for the Family, "The Truth and Meaning of Human Sexuality," November 21, 1995, 90.
29. Ibid., 91.
30. Ibid.
31. Ibid.
32. Vatican Council II: Pastoral Constitution on the Church in the Modern World, "Gaudium et Spes," 50.
33. Pontifical Council for the Family, "The Truth and Meaning of Human Sexuality," November 21, 1995, 93.
34. Ibid., 92.
35. Ibid., 95.
36. Ibid., 96.
37. Ibid., 97.
38. Ibid., 125.
39. Vatican Council II: Declaration "Gravissimum Educationis," 1. The following are definitions of these two terms as given in Webster's New Collegiate Dictionary, (Springfield, MA: G & C Merriam Company, 1961): positive — affirmative and constructive; prudent — highly sensible; not rash or ill-advised.
40. John Paul II, "Familiaris Consortio," November 22, 1981, 37. The following are definitions of these terms as given in Webster's New Collegiate Dictionary: clear -quickly and easily understood; freedom from ambiguity, delicate — exquisitely sensitive; considerate.
41. The following is the definition given in Webster's New Collegiate Dictionary for the term "erotic": of, relating to, or treating of sexual love.
42. The following is the definition given in Webster's New Collegiate Dictionary for the term "obscene": disgusting; offensive to chastity or to modesty.
43. The following definition is given in Webster's New Collegiate Dictionary for the term "indecent": morally offensive; unfit to be seen or heard.
44. Pontifical Council for the Family, "The Truth and Meaning of Human Sexuality," November 21, 1995, 126.
45. Ibid.
46. Ibid., 127.
47. Ibid., 67, 129.
48. Ibid., 145.
49. Ibid., 146.
50. Ibid., 145.
51. Ibid., 131.
52. Ibid., 132.
53. Ibid., 133.
54. Ibid., 134.
55. Ibid., 136.
56. Ibid., 138.
57. Ibid., 139.
58. Ibid., 140.
Reverend Thomas Vander Woude is a priest of the Diocese of Arlington, Va. Since his ordination he has served in two parishes as an associate pastor. He has also earned an M. Div. from Mount St. Mary's Seminary and an M.A. in moral theology from the same institution. This is his first article in HPR.
© Ignatius Press 1998.
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