'Missing the Mark' on Cohabitation
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Pastors are expected to care for the souls entrusted to them. This expectation is not taken lightly by the universal Church. On the contrary, it is an essential part of priestly formation.
Throughout their years of seminary training, men seeking to answer God's call to service receive the necessary skills required for their work among the people. Classes, seminars and workshops provide students with a solid appreciation of Church teaching on a variety of topics relevant to daily life. Courses in theology address subjects involving dogma, morals, law, history and the sacraments.
Among this litany, some topics receive a great deal of attention in several areas. The institution of marriage is a prime example.
The work of the parish priest is multifaceted. Contrary to popular belief, the "typical" workday does not end with the celebration of the morning Mass. Rather it is often a profound beginning of a busy schedule. A priest is expected to be concerned about many different things. From the mundane to the miraculous, the pastor of any given place is called to serve God's people.
Preparing men and women for the Sacrament of Matrimony is a significant part of priestly ministry. In fact, according to the Code of Canon Law, marriage preparation is nothing short of an obligation. It declares: "Pastors of souls are obliged to see to it that their own ecclesial community furnishes the Christian faithful assistance so that the matrimonial state is maintained in a Christian spirit and makes progress toward perfection." Moreover, through preaching, catechesis and personal instruction, the faithful are to be "instructed concerning the meaning of Christian marriage and the duty of Christian spouses and parents" (Canon 1063). While certainly important, the identification of marriage preparation as a pastoral obligation is only a first step.
Preparing men and women for the married life is not an easy task. Church doctrine on the Sacrament of Matrimony is sometimes erroneously perceived to be antiquated, unrealistic and burdensome. Jaded by the false truths of a materialistic world, couples can experience great anxiety with certain teachings pertaining to human sexuality, marriage and family.
For example, Church acceptance of natural family planning is deemed inadequate by some, whereas others find Catholic disapproval of artificial contraception as antiquated, intrusive and unrealistic. Likewise, a number of people are bewildered by the fact that the Catholic Church still teaches that sexual activity is reserved for marriage alone.
Yet, despite the apparent objections expressed by the secular world, men and women preparing for marriage in the Church remain open to the truth. Consequently, individuals entrusted with the task of marriage preparation are challenged to creatively invite the engaged to appreciate the truth and meaning of authentic Church teaching.
Amidst the many topics demanding study, some may prove to be more difficult than others. Difficulty, however, is not an excuse for indifference, silence or dismissal. On the contrary, these issues demand greater reflection. In this regard, the subject of cohabitation is certainly worthy of attention.
Cohabitation can be defined in different ways. For the sake of this discussion, the term is understood here to describe "the relationship of a man and a woman who are sexually active and share a household, though they are not married." 1
Cohabitation is becoming a regular part of popular culture. This fact is well illustrated in the world of film. In fact, television itself often is able to reflect the social behavior of a given age. The topic of cohabitation has and continues to be reflected on the silver screen. In the 1960s, the entertainment industry found itself being influenced by a rapidly changing world. The social changes characteristic of the age gradually made their way into the living rooms of America. Hovering between the moral solidity of a previous age and the moral uncertainty of a new era, creative and controversial programming made its way into production.
In the beginning, situation comedies like "I Dream of Jeannie" pushed the proverbial envelope by uniting a young handsome bachelor with a scantily clad attractive Jeannie in the same household. Nevertheless, Jeannie always slept in her bottle.
Times, however, have changed. Today, according to Hollywood, cohabitation is seen as an indispensable prerequisite to marriage. On the current sitcom "Friends," Monica and Chandler had been "living together" for an entire season before the thought of a marriage engagement was even a possibility.
The social behavior of the present age is actively depicted on television. Pretending to be fact or fiction, cohabitation is certainly among the themes chosen. Unfortunately, the practice of living together is not limited to the world of entertainment. Whether we like admitting it or not, cohabitation is a growing problem in the Catholic Church.
The priest, deacon and pastoral minister entrusted with the responsibility of assisting couples seeking to be married in the Church are challenged to invite those they serve to seriously discuss the issue of cohabitation. While potentially difficult, awkward and complex, a conversation of this type is vital. Moreover, it can provide a couple with the necessary tools they will need for a successful marriage.
Inspired by the compassionate Christ, an authentic presentation of Church teaching on human sexuality, marriage and family is necessary. On the other hand, ignoring the issue altogether is nothing short of a disservice to people seeking pastoral care. In order to accomplish this task, the minister must help the couple separate fact from fiction when it comes to the rhetoric surrounding the practice of living together.
Couples will offer a variety of reasons attempting to justify the need for cohabitation. More often than not, the reasons themselves are based on a loose combination of fact and fantasy. While the list may appear long to some, it is possible to categorize the reasons into three basic areas: consolidation, caution and congruity. Despite the apparent strength of each argument, close examination reveals a less-than-comforting prospect for the couple seeking to justify their lifestyle.
Consolidation
the modern world is increasingly infatuated with material wealth. Double-income households, limited numbers of children, prenuptial agreements and aggressive investment plans are just a few signs of the times. People everywhere are becoming anxiously concerned about their financial well-being.
It is no coincidence that financial reports are suddenly a regular and dominant part of the news. While prosperity is certainly good, achieving it at the expense of everything else is hardly prudent. Like other areas of daily life, the institution of marriage itself is being affected. Couples are deceiving themselves into believing that living together before marriage is fiscally proper.
Consolidation of resources is not new. Worrying about one's livelihood is a constant part of the human equation. For people living at the time of Jesus, concerns about the future, personal fortune and available assets was equally real. For some, it was an intense preoccupation. In response to their distress, the Lord presented to all who listen with an open heart a poignant and sobering reminder.
According to the Gospel of Luke, the message is revealed in the form of a parable. Jesus declares:
There was a rich man whose land produced a bountiful harvest. He asked himself, "What shall I do, for I do not have space to store my harvest?" And he said, "This is what I shall do: I shall tear down my barns and build larger ones. There I shall store all my grain and other goods and I shall say to myself, 'Now as for you, you have so many good things stored up for many years, rest, eat, drink, be merry!' " But God said to him, "You fool, this night your life will be demanded of you; and the things you have prepared, to whom will they belong? Thus will it be for the one who stores up treasures for himself but is not rich in what matters to God" [Lk 12:16-21].
Couples today will sometimes legitimize living together as an opportunity to save money for the future. According to a few, the dollars accumulated will benefit all parties involved. Wedding expenses, the anticipated mortgage, the new car — not to mention future children — can quickly drain personal savings. Therefore, it is argued that a living-together arrangement is nothing less than a prudent consolidation of resources. Like the rich man identified in the parable, men and women seek ways to build and fill bigger and better barns.
From the secular perspective, the choice to consolidate might initially seem prudent to a couple. Given the high expense of rent, characteristic of many large cities as well as other costs of living, pooling resources prior to marriage can even seem logical. Unfortunately, the opposite is true. Living together is not a prudent choice. It is illogical. No matter the money saved or the resources earned, the spiritual price is far too high. Church teaching on the sacrosanct nature of the married bond should not be sacrificed on the altar of fiscal expediency.
Men and women engaged to be married are called to separate fact from fiction regarding the so-called merits of consolidation. The Church can assist the faithful in realizing this task. Ministers seeking to prepare couples for marriage must responsibly and pastorally invite the engaged to focus on the most important matters related to their anticipated life together.
While recognizing the need for financial stability, great care must be given to those things that matter to God. The reservation of conjugal activity to married life is not a mere rule. Instead, it is an inextricable part of the bond of marriage itself. According to the Pontifical Council for the Family, "To this married love, and to this love alone, belongs sexual giving, 'realized in a truly human way only if it is an integral part of the love by which a man and a woman commit themselves totally to one another until death.' "2
The Catechism of the Catholic Church declares: "In marriage the physical intimacy of the spouses becomes a sign and pledge of spiritual communion. Marriage bonds between baptized persons are sanctified by the sacrament" (no. 2360). This sign and pledge, physical sexual activity exercised by husband and wife, is rich in what matters to God.
Financial concerns surrounding plans for the married life are certainly valid. Nevertheless, concerns about money must be properly placed. Cohabitation is not the solution. Rather, unconditional trust in God is paramount.
Following the parable of the rich fool, Jesus offers the flock entrusted to His care a few words of advice. He said, "Therefore, I tell you, do not worry about your life and what you will eat, or about your body and what you will wear. For life is more than food and the body more than clothing." Moreover, "do not worry anymore. All the nations of the world seek for these things, and your Father knows that you need them… Provide moneybags for yourselves that do not wear out, an inexhaustible treasure in heaven that no thief can reach nor moth destroy. For where your treasure is, there also will your heart be" (Lk 12:22-23; 29-30; 33-34).
In our desire to present couples with the truth about consolidation, the advice offered by the Lord is an excellent place to start.
Caution
Among the reasons verbalized by couples to defend their choice to "live together," one argument seems to get a good deal of attention in the mass media. It is sometimes popular to view cohabitation as a preventive strike against divorce. In other words, couples apprehensive about the success of their anticipated marriage become convinced that living together outside of marriage is a necessary prerequisite to marital bliss. In the first report of the new millennium, the National Marriage Project identifies the thinking supporting this trend:
According to these men and women, cohabitation also allows more careful scrutiny of a domestic partner over time. Many of these young men and women believe that a partner cannot be trusted to stay the same. "I know people who've gotten married and they didn't know what the person was like when you woke up in the morning," says one young man. "You can think you know someone, but there's a lot of stuff you find out when you live together," a young woman remarks.3
Despite the rhetoric, living together is not the antidote for preventing divorce. Ironically, couples choosing to cohabitate for this reason are actually placing themselves at a higher risk. Studies have consistently shown that men and women living together outside of wedlock are substantially more likely to experience the trauma associated with divorce.
The annual study of marriage conducted by Rutgers University offers clear confirmation of this fact. According to the report:
The belief that living together before marriage is a useful way "to find out whether you really get along," and thus avoid a bad marriage and an eventual divorce, is now widespread among young people. But the available data on the effects of cohabitation fail to confirm this belief. In fact, a substantial body of evidence indicates that those living together before marriage are more likely to break up after marriage."4
The falsehood of the "caution" argument is centered on one important truth — namely, that marriage and cohabitation are not the same thing. The two are markedly different. Notwithstanding the genuine feelings felt by couples in a non-married state, the union itself is always conditioned. The non-married state is not as equally binding as marriage. In the words of the bishops of Pennsylvania, "Living together before marriage is different from living together in marriage, because there is no binding commitment to support the relationship."5 Moreover, it is this fundamental difference that prevents cohabitation from being a preventive measure against marital difficulty.
Ministers involved in marriage preparation are challenged to educate couples with the facts surrounding the relationship between cohabitation and divorce. While the fear of marital difficulty is a real one, couples need to be made aware of the many resources available to help them prepare for married life. Pre-Cana classes, premarital inventories and couple testing are not intended to burden the engaged. Instead, each can be a wonderful opportunity for learning.
Furthermore, it is pastorally imperative that young men and women be granted the opportunity to benefit from the many graces received in the sacrament. God is present to the married in a special way. Consequently, appreciation of His presence is a solid source of comfort, strength, wisdom and love for persons seeking to live the vocation of married life.
Congruity
It is probably safe to state that men and women contemplating the possibility of marriage are somewhat preoccupied with the goal of finding the perfect mate. Despite advances in technology, this task is no easier today than it was generations ago. In fact, the desire to enter a lifetime relationship with a person of the opposite sex is plausibly harder than ever in the modern world. This unfortunate trend is due in part to the growing absence of a time-honored tradition called courtship.
Marriage is a sacred, unconditional and loving bond established between a man and a woman until death do they part. This bond is not built upon a loose foundation. Rather, it emerges after a man and a woman come to know each other in a special manner. Without violating the virtue of chastity, people can grow closer together in different ways. Joint activities, long conversations, shared dreams, common interests and mutual values are just a few of the practices that can transform people into friends. Unfortunately, the path to friendship has become abruptly abridged.
The dating scene is becoming less attractive to a multitude of people. Men and women are finding the process tedious, disingenuous and hollow. Thanks to the vacuum created by the absence of true courtship, couples are seeking to get to know each other in a different way. Unfortunately, the test for congruity is quickly becoming cohabitation:
These young men and women reject traditional courtship as a way of finding out about a person's character. They see dating as a "game," full of artifice and role-playing, while living together is more natural, honest and revealing.6
The "game" identified here is not a product of true courtship. It is the result of mixing true friendship with sexual activity outside of marriage. True courtship does not include sexual activity. Sexual activity with a partner prior to marriage will inevitably prevent the flourishing of a healthy relationship. It literally transforms the "art" of courtship into the "artifice" of the one-night stand. Regardless of time, "living together" is neither natural, nor honest or revealing. Sexual activity is an act of mutual self-giving reserved for marriage alone.
Marriage preparation is a unique opportunity for catechesis. Ministers entrusted with this task can invite couples to re-examine the true meaning of Christian courtship. Friendship, a potential product of courtship, is not accidental to marriage. It is a very important part of married life. One theologian captured this truth when he wrote:
Since the Son's appearance in the world, there is for us no other form of love than the form with which He has loved us… "This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love than this no one has, that one lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do the things I command you" (Jn 15:12-14).
This, then, is the canon for every Christian love, including marital love and fidelity."7 True courtship can pave the way toward a strong, faithful and loving marriage.
It is probably still safe to state that men and women contemplating the possibility of marriage are somewhat preoccupied with the goal of finding the perfect mate. Nevertheless, the practice of chaste courtship is a far better choice for those seeking to discover "congruity."
As stated at the beginning of this discourse, cohabitation is a growing problem in the Catholic Church. Discourse, however, is not limited to paper. The confusion identified with the arguments centering on people living together outside of marriage is real. In a pastoral handbook published by the National Conference of Catholic Bishops, a brief story regarding this topic offers a unique case in point.
The story, a reflection of a 22-year-old graduate student named Marsha, reinforces the need for all ministers to educate people seeking to get married. She writes:
My own parents divorced 15 years ago, so I was determined not to jump into marriage. That's why I moved in with Tom — so we could develop our relationship and get to know each other first. It went from beautiful to miserable in about four months. I was knocking myself out to please him, feeling insecure whenever the arrangement seemed the least bit shaky. And I was using sex in a way that was false to myself. ...I told Tom I wanted to move out and think things over. I wanted him to really see me as a person — something our sexual relationship made it hard for him to do. I wanted perspective and friendship. ...I must say that — after the initial shock — Tom rose to the challenge. We spent a whole year getting to know each other every way but horizontally… That gave me new respect for myself — and for Tom. We're getting married. It took a while, but now we know we are committed.8
Marsha's story is not unique. Couples everywhere are experiencing the same. Despite their intention to be fiscally prudent, emotionally cautious and successful in discovering the perfect mate, they fail. Failure is due to their inability to separate fact from fiction when it comes to the issue of cohabitation.
The Greek word for sin is translated as "missing the mark." Living together outside of marriage is missing the mark. Priests, deacons and ministers entrusted with the care of God's faithful must responsibly educate men and women in the truth and meaning of married life.
Pastoral education rooted in the authentic teaching of the Church is the appropriate antidote for a culture increasingly confused on matters that are important to God. A true understanding and appreciation of consolidation, caution and congruity may help the engaged meet the mark. The mark, nourished by the love of God, is the celebration of the Sacrament of Matrimony.
Living life according to the teaching of the Church may be difficult for some. A few may find the teaching against cohabitation unrealistic and burdensome.
Nevertheless, we are constantly called to experience the grace of God, the gift of reconciliation and the power of love in the Christian life. Thankfully, "With God all things are possible" (Mt 19:26).
Notes
1 Bishops of Pennsylvania, "Living Together: Questions and Answers Regarding Cohabitation and the Church's Moral Teaching" (Pennsylvania: Pennsylvania Catholic Conference, 1999), p. 3.
2 The Pontifical Council for the Family, The Truth and Meaning of Human Sexuality, no. 14.
3 The National Marriage Project, "The State of Our Unions 2000: The Social Health of Marriage in America" (New Jersey: Rutgers University, 2000.), p. 12.
4 Ibid., p. 28. The emphasis is mine.
5 Bishops of Pennsylvania, p. 5.
6 The National Marriage Project, p. 12.
7 Father Hans Urs von Balthasar, The Christian State of Life (San Francisco: Ignatius Press, 1983), p. 244.
8 National Conference of Catholic Bishops, Faithful to Each Other Forever: A Catholic Handbook of Pastoral Help for Marriage Preparation (Washington, D.C.: United States Catholic Conference, Inc., 1989.), pp. 73-74.
FATHER BONNICI, who holds a doctorate in sacred theology, is the director of the Family Life/Respect Life Office of the Archdiocese of New York.
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