It's the Parents' Duty to Form Personalities

by Rev. Dom Jerome Hayden, O.S.B., M.D., Ph.D., F.A.P.A.

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The duty of parents toward their children is tersely expressed in a short phrase relating to the primary purpose of marriage — "the education of children." The duty is certainly more easily expressed than understood or fulfilled. The obligation is clear as set forth; but what does it mean, and how is it to be accomplished?

The problem of educating children must be considered from two points of view. The one regards the general and formal schooling provided by institutions of learning; the other pertains to the unfolding, evolving or cultivating of the child's potentialities through exercise and practice with a view to gaining facility, skill and endurance in living. The latter is properly referred to as nurturing, upbringing, rearing.

Concerning the teaching and training of the child our first consideration should be the purpose of his existence; and since that purpose is eternal life, the child must be brought up in the knowledge, fear and love of God. In order to achieve this great purpose, the child must be equipped with a minimal knowledge of the means to that end. In one way or another this will involve some degree or type of formal instruction. Besides an essential religious instruction the parents are obliged to provide that degree of formal education necessary to equip the child to meet his immediate needs which life itself imposes. The child must be helped to acquire proficiency in all those things which are necessary for him to know in order to meet his needs when he grows up and in turn to provide for his own offspring should he become a parent. The minimal requirements for safeguarding this objective would seem to be a grammar school education and sound religious instruction.

If we speak only of minimal requirements, it is not because we fail to appreciate the value of formal education which schools of higher learning can provide; rather, it is because we wish to emphasize the fact that such attainment is of little use unless the person is capable of adjusting to life. The psychiatrist daily is confronted with patients of rich intellectual endowment whose efficiency and productivity are reduced to a minimum because of serious personality disturbances. The purpose of education, as we see it, is to confront people with reality and help them gain some facility in adjusting to it. It is through the application of such principles that psychiatry makes a real contribution to the field of education. Whereas formal education, therefore, is not essential to successful living, proper rearing or upbringing is indispensable. It is on the latter that I should like to focus attention as the primary and unmistakable obligation of parents.

Child's Right to Healthy Parental Attitudes

Aside from the demands for a healthy spiritual life the child has a "right" to healthy parental attitudes, if he is to be properly equipped for the serious business of adult living. It is to be emphasized at this point that parents are the first educators and that education in the business of living begins at birth. The importance of this matter can only be appreciated when one is willing to accept the fact that by the time the child has reached school age his personality is already well-determined.

While bearing in mind the fundamental obligation of rearing children in the discipline and correction of the Lord, the parent must earnestly guard against any form of treatment of the child which, in effect, would be equivalent to rearing him in his own discipline and correction. There are numerous intermediary goals between the stage of infancy and the final goal of eternal salvation. No doubt, we are all familiar with this fact, but do we really understand its full significance? If one is to truly love God, one at least must have developed the capacity for normal relationships with people and the world about him. By intermediary goals is meant the various attainments in the different spheres of human activity which relate to one's temporal existence — family life, social living, education, occupation, profession and vocation — all of which are necessary means to one's primary goal. If we fail in securing the means, we most certainly will fail in accomplishing the end. The spiritual life of one who has failed to achieve the intermediary goals is a rather sterile, fruitless experience. It is not enough to provide religious instruction alone, excellent though it may be.

Needs of the Child

Infants unlike all other living creatures, remain helpless from birth over a considerably extended period. The child, therefore, must be protected, nourished and clothed over a long period. He must be educated and trained intellectually, emotionally and spiritually. Success in these matters depends upon a stable marital union. All human relationship is brought about and maintained by love. In order to love another person truly for his own sake, one, in his relations with that person, must bring his own activities into conformity with the other individual's rights and needs. This implies a curtailment of one's own selfish desires in relation to the other person, which means that one must sacrifice one's own wishes for the welfare of the other person wherever and whenever it is indicated. And the story of man's love for God will follow the same path.

It is the psychiatrist's obligation to point out hitherto unrecognized mental risks in the course of child-rearing and to warn that it is in this direction that madness lies. It is not true that the early years of life are a period of delight when no struggles are experienced. It is rather a period of great struggle, at times bitter struggle. It is often a battle field of invisible clashes, "conflicts," we call them, in which wounds of the spirit are sustained. After a long period of irritation in the unconscious, like sparks that smolder, they break out in the form of neuroses and psychoses of childhood, adolescence, young adulthood and middle age. It is down such a path that these poor victims are precipitated by fatuous, overindulgent, possessive, cold, rigid, rejecting parents who, by virtue of their noble calling, are required by God to nurture their children, to bring them to a knowledge and love of Him. In such circumstances the only real opportunity or avenue of escape from the competition of such domestic trauma is life in a mental institution — a rather lurid light on a dark subject.

The rough, harsh, uncouth treatment manifested in an adult's relations with a child, for the most part, seems fully recognized only by the child. It should be remembered that the child is a very serious-minded little individual because he is engaged in a serious struggle — a struggle for life, growth and knowledge in a world to which he must conform. This is accomplished only with great effort.

Child's Conflicts, Serious Business

The consideration and respect for others which is demanded of him is accomplished only through repression of his struggles or conflicts which none-the-less continue to operate within his soul. On the surface all may appear smooth to the adult, but for the child conflicts over human relationships are serious business. The adult because of his own warped development, forgetting his own struggle, may look upon the child with his problems as an object of amusement or ridicule.

A very early difficulty which every child encounters is the problem of relationship with his parents. Psychiatric studies over many years provide considerable knowledge of what this problem involves. The child has mixed feelings for his parents, and a spirit of rivalry or competition soon appears — especially in his relations with the parent of the same sex. This is most clearly seen in the case of a male child who for the first three or four years of his life is closely attached to his mother. Up to that age the child turns to his mother in all his needs, often refusing help from his father. In fact, the child frequently asks why there must be a daddy in the home and will object strenuously to a manifestation of affection between his parents.

Discerning parents often detect these mixed feelings and spirit of rivalry that the child displays. If they are truly loving, understanding and sympathetic toward him and toward one another, the child will be enabled to solve these difficulties. The child, always being aware of the love that is shown him, will be able to turn to the father who approves of him and his love for his mother. Thus the little boy learns to share his mother and her love, and this stimulates his desire to imitate his father. The little boy will want "to be like daddy," "to help daddy," "to be strong like daddy," "to dress like daddy." This desire to imitate his father or to be identified with him will be expressed in a great variety of ways.

This period of orientation toward the father is really complicated; it is both trying and difficult for the boy and can give rise to serious conflict. The child, however, can solve his difficulties and avoid serious conflict if the parents recognize and meet his needs. The child's ability and need to grow emotionally must be given every opportunity to do so by the inclusion of others in his life. He must receive encouragement from the mother to make new relationships while having the assurance of her unfailing love.

Father's Role Towards the Child

While the mother is thus rearing her child, it is assumed that the father is meeting his full responsibility toward the child. The father must play an active role in the child's life. In the case of the little boy he must have a close relationship with him; his love for the child must be also unswerving if he is to be imitated and admired as a model. Where there is no father because of long illness, death, separation, divorce or circumstances necessitating his prolonged absence from the home, the little boy's opportunity to develop masculine traits is jeopardized.

Little girls also go through the same difficulties of relating to their parents, but their orientation to them is in the reverse order. This entails the sharing of her father with her mother, and by imitating her mother's qualities the child becomes identified with her and thus develops truly feminine traits.

During the course of every child's development there is to be noted, especially at a period when further growth is to be expected, a tendency to slip back to a former stage where the child probably feels more comfortable. When this occurs, special support must be given, and this is best offered by due patience, encouragement and approval. The child's capacity for growth must be considered; he must be permitted to establish his own pace and not have the parents' desires, in this regard, imposed upon him. In other words the child is to be encouraged according to his physiological, intellectual and emotional readiness. Growing is a slow process, an imperceptible process, only the results of it are discernible. Our attempts to assist this process should be taken slowly, step by step, because with each pace forward new responsibilities are added. If the mother patiently follows the child's pace, step by step, she will, as it were, grow with the child and be able to lead him to a life of independence rather than one of dependence upon her.

None of us is ever completely free from conflicts; it is not possible to live this life without struggle. But there are certain conflicts which are so serious in nature that unless they be avoided or corrected one cannot be expected to live one's life effectively.

Parents Make the Child's Personality

Since parental relationship and family life serve as background, the very soil and environment in which the child's life takes root and grows, children's personalities are going to be very much what the parents make them. Loving affection must be the soil; encouragement of growth through sympathy, understanding and patience, the environment. In such circumstances a child will be protected against starvation for the want of attention as well as against smothering by an excess of it. The patterns of behavior learned in childhood remain with us through life; and it is well to bear this in mind, since the attitudes which adults display toward children will only be reflected back to them in turn. Parents have no right to be demanding of their children just because they are children; they must regard their children as individuals with basic rights and privileges as well as needs.

When we object to parents making demands of their children we, by no means, are objecting to the disciplining of children. Character and normal personality development are impossible without self-control; and self-control implies discipline. If a child is to become a self-disciplined individual, he must be taught the reasons for becoming such as well as how to practice self-control. A negative approach to the problem is to be avoided. Instead of a system of "don'ts," refusals or punishment which permits no choice in the matter, some effort should be made to indicate an alternative action. It is not discipline that is to be criticized, but the manner in which it is applied. Whenever it is possible the child ought to be given a substitute for every withdrawal which is thought necessary for its good. Such a procedure will be far reaching in its effects, since it will help lead the child to an appreciation of values. The child must be brought to see the truth and encouraged to seek it if he is to emerge from the thorny thicket of conforming behavior with a normal conscience. It is an absurdity to force or permit children to feel or to think that the criterion for good behavior is simply their parents' wish. Their notions of morality must be based on truth, the reasonableness or unreasonableness of their acts, if they are to be enabled to live in conformity with the natural and divine positive law. If serious failures occur in this phase of training, disastrous results are likely to occur. Depending upon the parental attitudes displayed, children will develop severe unrelenting consciences, lax consciences or no conscience at all. Again, one is reminded that attitudes reflect the type of relationship and that, therefore, harshness, severity, rigidity, coldness, caprice are to be avoided at all times, while love, kindness, firmness and some degree of flexibility in imposing restrictions for the sake of objective truth are to be encouraged.

An Only Child Problem

Family life is such an important factor in the development of children that an only child may be seriously affected by a lack of siblings. This is a great danger today because of planned parenthood — an objective adopted by parents presumably for the sake of accomplishing the very best they can with what they have by limiting their offspring to one or at most two. Assuming that the moral obligations involved in planned parenthood are met, there still remains the obligation to the only child, or to the two children, as the case may be. In such instances the parents are too apt to make undue emotional investment in the children because of their great desire for their children's achievements. It does not necessarily follow that their financial and emotional investments in their children's physical welfare, intellectual and professional achievements will bear the kind of fruit they anticipate.

Some of the values deriving from family living do not appear spontaneously — they must be actively sought. The internal affairs of the family must be so arranged that they not only permit but require a sharing of responsibilities, work and play. Today such sharing requires planning since active functions within the family have been greatly reduced. Numerous causes have contributed to the shifting of family responsibilities and wholesome family relationships. It seems imperative that active steps should be taken to counteract, if only in part, the ruinous effects which all-absorbing outside interests have on family life.

The Child of Six or Under

We have said above that a child of six years entering the first grade of school has a personality which is already well determined. This fact is better understood when one realizes that in these first six years of life the child is required to learn more than during any other period of his life. In the first few years he is expected to learn something about a life of restraint or self-control, at least as regards material things. Between four and six he is expected to display some initiative while remembering the consequences of his acts. These are indeed great expectations, in fact, necessary but difficult to achieve. They can be and are accomplished, however, in a family where parental assistance, sympathy, patience and love are in evidence.

It should be emphasized that the child's behavior which is found so annoying and upsetting to adults is normal for the child. It is true that all our efforts should be bent toward helping the child develop in such a way that later on he will be able to conduct himself as an adult. But between the two approaches of helping the child to become an adult and expecting him to behave as an adult lies a world of difference — for actually childhood and adulthood involve two different worlds. If the child is to develop into mature adulthood, he first must be permitted to live as a normal child. Growth occurs slowly and at times painfully, so traits of generosity, unselfishness, fairness, honesty and truthfulness which are characteristic of a mature person ought not to be expected in the child; they must be developed and will be with encouragement. The child has a vast amount of knowledge to acquire in a very short period of time, but with his great capacity for learning he can acquire it if be is dealt with patiently and with consideration.

The Adolescent Longs for Independence

Adolescence should be seen as an intermediary stage where the individual is being strongly pulled in two different directions — his physical and intellectual growth arouse in him a desire for the privileges and pleasures of adulthood, while his emotional growth still inclines him to return to the ways of childhood, especially where the duties of adulthood are involved. The adolescent is a victim of marked fluctuations in interests and feelings. A project which was enthusiastically undertaken one day is dropped the next. What was repugnant yesterday may be quite acceptable today. Experiences that seem thrilling today may appear quite stupid tomorrow. The adolescent is aware of the continuous changes that go on within him, he is aware of the fact that his old ways of thinking have changed and are no longer adequate, but he doesn't understand why.

The crystallization of personality with the formation of a self-ideal is the very essence of adolescence. With adolescence comes an awareness of self as a distinct person. Though the child knows himself to be a self and never confuses his own person with his surrounding world, he nevertheless is immersed in it. The adolescent, on the other hand, differentiates himself from it and feels impelled to take and maintain an attitude toward it. This change in attitude toward the objective world includes his relations with people and naturally his parents. It is to be noted that as regards his parents he seriously questions the wisdom, knowledge and abilities that he, as a child, attributed to them. He becomes critical of his parents, and, feeling that they are quite out of date, no longer turns to them with unquestioned confidence. He, therefore, longs for independence, is unwilling to take advice, and develops intense dislike for blind obedience.

Youth Will Experience Fear

Curious and adventurous though he may be, he nevertheless experiences fear because so much of what he seeks is unknown to him and the personality upon which he has to depend has not been properly tested. All of this reflects uncertainty and instability which is so basically characteristic of adolescence and which stems from his insecurity. The marked fluctuation in feelings and attitudes is what makes the adolescent appear fickle and unreliable. He ought not to be held responsible for the inconstancy of his behavior, since it is the inevitable result of his stage of development. It is small wonder then that he has difficulty in confiding even though he has much to confide. For this reason adults regard the adolescent as reticent, unfathomable, and secretive.

Parents, Be Approachable!

A parent whose attitudes reflect an understanding of the youth's basic instability and blundering attempts to assume adult roles, a readiness to be of help in any perplexing situation, and an ability to keep confidences while strenuously avoiding any intrusion into the youth's interior life will prove to be a truly great blessing in the life of that adolescent.

Encouragement should be found in the fact that every normal, fully developed infant enters this life with a natural endowment which renders it capable, in a healthy environment and with proper training, of developing a strong character and a normal personality. Parents who are capable of warmth in their relations with one another and with their children, who are understanding, sympathetic, accepting and patient, who rear their children with devoted affection balanced with firmness really have no cause for worry.

With these facts in mind and fair success in their application, parents may confidently look forward to the establishment of a happy family. It is only in such a family circle that the child develops a capacity for reaching out to other persons, thus enabling him to love people and make friends. If one is to get on with other human beings, one must first learn how to get along with members of his own family. As a safeguard, emphasis has to be placed on sharing with others all that one may consider his own — himself, his time, place and belongings. The practice of such generosity is a sure protection against that type of selfishness which currently is euphemistically labeled "individualism." It is in the family, and the family alone, that we learn to become really human; it is in the family circle where mutual trust is learned, love generated, ability to work developed, and where faith is engendered in oneself, in one another and in a divine order which transcends time and space. Success in these matters will set the child well on the road which leads straight to God.

© Family Life Bureau

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