If the NYT had covered the Main Event

By Diogenes ( articles ) | Apr 22, 2005

PICK SEEN AS SIGN OF CONTRADICTION

by Ian Pecheur

CAESAREA PHILIPPI (20 Kislev) Yesterday's surprise announcement that doctrinal hardliner Jesus of Nazareth had been anointed "Messiah" provoked mixed reactions in the diverse and sometimes fractious Israelite community, ranging from cautious disappointment to frank despair.

"I see it as a missed opportunity," said Herodias Schneidkopf, a Galilaean incest rights activist. "Many of us were hoping for someone more open to leadership roles for women and more appreciative of our experience. I don't feel valued."

Respected Archpriest Caiaphas Bar Nun agreed. "Above all, the Messiah should be a good listener. How can we as a faith community keep credibility among the youth of today if we cling to every jot and tittle of an outmoded social code while thousands die of leprosy and hunger? Today's highly educated Judahite community isn't satisfied with the old answers. This was a missed opportunity."

Even some members of the Messiah's personal entourage expressed misgivings. The Rev. J. E. "Dimples" Iscariot, S.J., media consultant and associate editor of Marble Thighs magazine, did not hide his regret. "A missed opportunity, I'm afraid. We in the Society of Judas traditionally enjoy a special relationship to the Messiah, but we'll find this choice very hard to explain to gomorrhaists. Why just the other day I saw 300 denarii, which might have been used to help find a cure for leprosy, squandered on wholly unnecessary ritual excesses."

Fighting the spread of leprosy is a vexed issue among contemporary Israelites, many of whom support tetrarchy-funded prevention programs that encourage nuptial relations with livestock so as to reduce the risks of transmitting the disease to an uninfected partner. Most polls show Israelites widely ignore official teachings on ethical matters, preferring to follow their own conscience. Some see Jesus' moral conservatism as a rigidity that leads to disfigurement and death in at-risk populations -- and that may ultimately doom his movement to irrelevance.

"Yesterday's unction-function was an opportunity missed," insisted real estate broker Sapphira Glass, "Today's young professionals don't find their own experience reflected in a one-size-fits-all morality that limits options and encodes patriarchal bias. I mean, sacrificing one's newborns to Moloch is a tragic but often necessary choice, and many of us find the language of apostasy alienating and judgmental."

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"It all comes down to power," countered maverick theologian Fr. Richard Maccabeus, retired Professor of Applied Autolatry, who pointed out that the successful candidate had almost no pastoral experience. "What we're seeing is a right-wing restorationist fantasy in its death throes. Intelligent Israelites aren't buying. We want to be heard. We want someone who speaks not with authority but like us academics -- I mean of course, like the scribes. One can only call it a missed opportunity."

The Procurator of Judea was unavailable for comment.