Action Alert!

The all-purpose press release

By Phil Lawler (bio - articles - email) | Nov 05, 2018

Introducing the “All-Purpose USCCB Press Release.” Based on actual release that was sent out by the USCCB recently, this statement illustrates how the American hierarchy could respond promptly to any problem. It’s so easy to be contrite!

By filling in the blanks, this release could be used for comment on

  1. Global warming,
  2. Ocean plastics,
  3. Misogyny,
  4. Homophobia; or, in another 20 years,
  5. Illegal immigration.

ROME: Archbishop ______________ of ___________ , the chairman of the ___________ committee of the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops (USCCB), is welcoming the recent announcement by the Holy See outlining steps to ensure the faithful are protected from the evil of ______________.

Archbishop ______________’s full statement follows:

On behalf of my brother bishops in the United States, I welcome the statement of _____________ from the Holy See which outlines additional steps Pope ___________ is taking to ensure the faithful are protected from the evil of __________. The Holy Father’s ‘pressing invitation to unite forces to fight the grave scourge of _______________ has been and will continue to be diligently accepted by the bishops of the United States.

The truth will ensure terrible sins of the past are not repeated. The courage of survivors of ____________ who first brought the horrific truth of abuse to light must continue to be matched by our courage as pastors to respond in justice. Pope ____________ echoes the call of Christ to be with survivors in their time of need. Let us respond simply. ‘Yes, Lord!’

The bishops of the United States offer our prayers and solidarity for the Holy Father. We urge all in the Church, particularly the bishops, to reaffirm our communion with Pope Francis who is the visible guarantor of the communion of the Catholic Church. We unite in prayer and service with His Holiness as he leads the Church to meet our brothers and sisters in their suffering. With a pastor’s heart, the Holy Father calls us to a path of healing.

Phil Lawler has been a Catholic journalist for more than 30 years. He has edited several Catholic magazines and written eight books. Founder of Catholic World News, he is the news director and lead analyst at CatholicCulture.org. See full bio.

Sound Off! CatholicCulture.org supporters weigh in.

All comments are moderated. To lighten our editing burden, only current donors are allowed to Sound Off. If you are a donor, log in to see the comment form; otherwise please support our work, and Sound Off!

Show 2 Comments? (Hidden)Hide Comments
  • Posted by: Frodo1945 - Nov. 06, 2018 9:59 AM ET USA

    Outstanding. We used to call that the Babblegab thesaurus.

  • Posted by: Monserrat - Nov. 05, 2018 2:01 PM ET USA

    Lyrics from a song in the musical Chicago: "Give 'em the old razzle dazzle; Razzle Dazzle 'em; Give 'em an act with lots of flash in it; And the reaction will be passionate; Give 'em the old hocus pocus; Bead and feather 'em. How can they see with sequins in their eyes? What if your hinges all are rusting? What if, in fact, you're just disgusting? Razzle dazzle 'em And they;ll never catch wise!" Maybe the USCCB PR Dept is more sham than razzle dazzle, but, regardless, Phil just caught them.