A Case For Earlier Marriage
While many sit wringing their hands over the seeming demise of marriage as an institution and the concomitant breakdown in sexual ethics, none are willing to state the most obvious reason — it is being delayed too long. Western society, because of its wealth, has created the chimera that equates maturity with age, education and financial independence. While these may be indicators, none will argue that they in themselves suit a person for marriage. Quite often, these big three — which presume emotional growth — come today by way of little personal virtue, which is key for a successful marriage. Many contend, as do I, that the extended support by a parental safety net, and the public investment for extended education collected by tax dollars, in effect, do more harm than good since they allow for a protracted state of infantile dependence, leading to a perpetual sense of entitlement. Even more so, as is the case with the immature, self-centeredness is allowed to solidify in the personality long past any tolerance permitted by past or more primitive societies (Hine, T., 1999). By enabling this, narcissism grows in a way that makes the sharing of the total self with another an almost impossible task. How does one unlearn 25, 30 or 40 years of independence and soft individualism, notice I didn't say rugged, to become flexible enough to grow with another with already a good part of the lifespan spent?
Although a recent study indicates greater marital stability in the United States due to a two decade decline in teen and early twenties marriages and slightly greater stability for education the data fail to prove any benefit in increasing the age of marriage beyond 22. The study however did find that pre-marital sex, pre-marital pregnancy and cohabitation are detracting from marital stability (Heaton, TB., 2000). Unfortunately, studies fail to reflect the reality that pre-marital sex, pre-marital pregnancy and cohabitation are not decreasing as the age of the unmarried increases. Nor have any studies demonstrated how the risks associated with these behaviors may outweigh any benefits of marriage postponement by jeopardizing possible future marriages and causing some people to not marry at all.
Studies also cannot take into account physical, psychological, social and spiritual risks to persons during this extended non-marital period. Perhaps this anecdotal piece from a recent Ann Landers column will set my thesis in bas-relief:
Dear Ann Landers:
I am 28 years old and have been engaged for a year, although we have not yet set a wedding date. My fiancé, "Steve," is 37. We have been together for five years and are very much in love.
Last week, I discovered I am pregnant. This was completely unplanned and something of a mystery, because we always us contraceptives. Steve loves kids, but he is not ready to start a family. He doesn't want me to have this baby now and has asked me to terminate this pregnancy.
Ann, I want this child. I understand Steve's point of view, but the thought of having an abortion is terribly upsetting to me. I will do it if Steve insists, but I am scared and confused. A baby is supposed to be a joyous creation between two people who love each other.
I don't understand why Steve can't find a way to love and want this child. We are financially stable and can well afford to have a family. The only problem is that we are not married, and I don't want people to think we got married because I became pregnant.
Please advise immediately. Time is of the essence.
— Anonymous and Anxious in the Big City (Landers, A., 2001)
This tendency toward later marriage or no marriage has been the cause of a great deal of our social deterioration. The high incidence of pre-marital sex, a decrease in population, a higher incidence of infertility, a growth of the abortion industry, the financial burden placed on society due to out of wedlock births causing single-parent households, an increase in sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), the rise of homosexual activity, the widespread use of birth control, and a reported higher rate of loneliness and depression among the unmarried compared to married couples of the same age, are all indicative of the moral and spiritual conundrum that delayed marriage or no marriage has caused for society and for young people who want to live a Christian life but find the burden of containing their sexual urges unbearable during their artificially protracted adolescence.
To make an argument from common sense, which of course isn't that common, one need only to look at the Natural Law. What's that? Well, quite simply stated it means "the way something is made is the way it should act." Naturally our social engineers, those who believe that human nature is quite malleable, of course according to their likes, would feel this abhorrent. Yet, the reason we are in the current quandary of social, psychological, moral and spiritual deterioration is precisely because these demagogues have somewhat succeeded in fooling the majority of people who believe in their Peter Pan World, except as the saying goes "you can't fool mother nature."
Non-western cultures to this day, as well as our own only a generation or two past, have always recognized that human design plays a vital part in the development of the whole person. Puberty has always been regarded to be a sign that the person has "matured." In fact, we quite readily use the term to designate this as one of life's important passages. More often than not this new power called for responsibility over oneself and accountability to one's family, clan or tribe. It was often cordoned off as such by rites of initiation, obligations for defense of the community, entre into the communities' decision-making councils and, of course, the obligation to propagate the species. Marriage, therefore, was recognized as that natural institution, that hardly any right-minded person would question, within which the physical passions were allowed to express themselves, while at the same time enabling the person to grow emotionally by the daily give and take involved in married life. The responsibilities of family not only provided a natural arena for maturity but also allowed for one of the primary conditions for human growth to take place, intimacy. If these areas are not negotiated at a young age the early foundation upon which the marriage is to be built begins with a deficit that is hard to make-up later in life and often leads to fear of commitment, since the joining of two lives is so foreign that it becomes an emotional trauma if not an impossibility. This lack is a strong factor in the high incidence of cohabitation which has a positive correlation to an increase in divorce (Popenoe, D., 2000).
Having somewhat stated our case on the naturalness of the natural law let us move onto the supernatural law. In almost every culture religion plays an important part in sexuality, hence in marriage, procreation and the family. For our purposes I will limit my comments to the Judeo-Christian tradition that singles out marriage and procreation in the very first chapters of Genesis as God's will for human beings. Genesis does this cognizant of two very important facts, first, as it so clearly states, "it is not good for man to be alone" and secondly, man is called to mimic God by co-creating with Him by increasing and multiplying. Obviously Genesis say it as a detriment for humans to live without a partner once they reached their maturity since it affected their personal well being as well as the well being of the community depending on their replenishing it with offspring. Later in the New Testament, Jesus reinforces this teaching while allowing for those graced few spiritual eunuchs to be excused for the sake of their special witness to the non-material kingdom that is to come. While no specific age is designated for marriage, anthropological studies are quite accurate in pinpointing marriageable age to be the completion of the 14th year for females and 16th for males or shortly after puberty. This time frame is still recognized by the universal Canon Law of the Church (C. 1083), as well as most state laws which designate 18 as marriageable and 16 with parental consent, or, in the case of an emancipated child, even younger with court approval.
Quite wisely, without the advantage of modern science and psychology, former generations realized that the body was particularly geared toward reproduction during early adulthood. Desire and energy usually produced healthy offspring to fulfill the creator's command to be prolific. Later marriage as we have seen has led to increased problematic births, birth defects and a growing incidence of infertility. Also, with the number of child producing years decreasing due to late marriage, or protracted use of contraception to prevent births prior to marriage, has caused fewer children per couple and in many cases a lack of enthusiasm for any offspring. Often these are major reasons for the inability of many women who would like to have children later in their 30s and 40s to be infertile. In vitro fertilization clinics are proliferating because of this unnatural break in the reproductive cycle, leading many older couples to extraordinary measures, no less immoral ones, to achieve a pregnancy. Another social ill being discussed by demographers is the birth dearth now being experienced in Western countries where birth rates have fallen below replacement levels (Wattenberg, B., 2001).
The increasing acceptance of out-of-wedlock births can also be attributed to viewing marriage as an after thought for many or even more common today, giving marriage no thought at all. If natural concupiscence needs an outlet, and marriage is not encouraged, then sex outside of marriage usually becomes more acceptable and even a presumed way of coping with the life force. In effect, society's laws, based on the reasonable person standard have determined that it is quite permissible to do so. To expect physically healthy and hormonally potent young people to contain for many years their natural urges is for some, if not most, impossible. Statistics often present us with a shrinking population of male and female virgins. Should we be surprised? While calls to chastity have some effect in the high school years, few see the twenty-something's or thirty-something's benefiting from virtue-based education. As a matter of fact, comprehensive sex education which promotes all types of protective and contraceptive devices to prevent sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) and pregnancy is the course that most will take and eventually use. I have yet to see or hear of one of these programs that encourages marriage to be a prescriptive preventative.
The increase in those reporting homosexual leanings and encounters or identifying with the lifestyle can also be attributed to delayed maturity often brought on by psychosexual confusion. Social expectation for one to act in a natural way at a certain age formed a person's identity at a very early age. These natural constraints demanded by society, the natural expectation and ensuing satisfaction of a heterosexual relationship, as well as familial obligations, quite nicely limited one's sexual expression which precluded the current freedom to experiment due to a lack of gender definition, loneliness, experimentation or fad. Even those who may have had homosexual leanings were able to rise above the urge for the higher value of the family if not societal censure. Also, long periods of sexual deprivation have a history of leading to the unnatural when the natural is denied. One has to wonder how much perverse sexual behavior may be attributed to the lack of legitimate outlet (Mills, J., 1998).
Finally, recent findings by researcher Emma Besbrode reported by The London Telegraph shows that those unmarried by early middle age have a higher degree of unhappiness and depression than married couples of a comparable age. One might think that the solution would be for this group to marry, however the research indicates that the number of marriageable partners appreciably diminishes as people pass their 25th birthday with only 5% of the young middle age cohort reporting an ability to meet a wide range of potential partners (Bentham, M., 2001). Clarity might be brought to this by reflecting on the popular sit-com "Seinfeld" which presented just such a picture of the group discussed in this essay. The program, which professed to be a "show about nothing" portrayed the loneliness, ennui and frustration of the main characters in their ongoing quest not just for intimacy but also for meaning in life. The Besbrode report concluded by saying "people who are in relationships and have domestic responsibilities are more likely to say they are happy."
Having heard confessions for 25 years there is no doubt in my mind that late marriage has wreaked havoc on people's souls. To expect sexually potent bodies to put off expression to some distant date is to encourage Manichaeism, that philosophy which denies human materiality as good and promotes rigorous asceticism to combat human nature. Not only is this contrary to what Genesis defines as good and what the Incarnation came to redeem and sacramentalize, but for most it is an impossibility, placing "burdens on men's' and women's' shoulders that they cannot bear." For most, living outside of marriage leads to pre-marital sex, promiscuity, perversion and of course self-abuse. Along now with physical alienation, emotional and spiritual dissonance take hold. Convinced of one's inability to live a chaste life to the dictates of the Gospel, some simply make compromises as to what moral behaviors are personally acceptable or doable, while others simply give up, believing the moral strictures of the faith to be so difficult as to make the faith itself dubious. To hear tormented souls week after week come to confession agonizing over perceived in authenticity of their commitment to Christ, because of their sexual acting out, sometimes even to the point of despair, should move pastors to ask: what should be done?
First, to continue to counsel prayer and the sacraments while denying that grace builds on nature, is to deny the reality of the sexual beings God created us to be. Honestly challenging young people as to why they do not marry, or are putting marriage off, is a start. Guaranteed, many will be shocked when confronted with an obvious question and a simple and natural solution to concupiscence. Secondly, young marriages should be publicly promoted in churches and schools as part of God's plan and a natural way for people to grow together. There is nothing like sharing life's struggles with survival, identity and children to meld a unity of life and love. Young married couples grow together by sharing common experiences at an early age before egocentrism solidifies, disallowing openness and space for other focused love which is necessary for a community of life. Thirdly, parents are the first teachers of their children, therefore, it is up to them to encourage and not dissuade their children through overprotection, which produces a fear of marriage. Parents should let them see early marriage as good and desirable and not warehouse them at home or in college, which does no one any good in the long run. Lastly, marriage should not be looked upon as an institution for the mature, but for those who will grow into maturity together. There are no courses or programs that will accomplish this. The abundance of annulment petitions testifies that even the best of marriage preparation programs do too little because in many cases the marriage takes place too late. Like anything else, we learn best by doing and any professional will tell you that to be good at anything you must begin when you are young.
How young? I don't think it would be unwise to say that 18 to 25 would be ideal for most, while encouraging the male toward the higher end of the grid. To wait until one's life is more than 1/3 over is unnatural and unhealthy. This will certainly cut down on illegitimacy and abortion and the reasons speak for themselves. The structured union, commitment to family and a stable environment of home life, will also lend itself to less promiscuity and experimentation, thus promoting better physical, mental and social well-being. Finally, it will allow couples to act the way God made them, and instead of frustrating them spiritually, it will fulfill the human vocation to holiness, which for most is fulfilled within the bonds of marriage.
References
Bentham, M., (2001, March 4), "Married Couples Happier than 'mid-life' singles." The Daily Telegraph, Issue 2109.
Heaton, T.B., (2000). "Factors contributing to increasing marital stability in the United States." Brigham Young University, Department of Sociology and Family Studies Center.
Hine, T., (1999). The Rise and Fall of the American Teenager. N.Y.: Avon Books.
Landers, A., (2001, April 4). "Welcome the preacher before the stork." Detroit Free Press, p. 3D.
Mills, J., (1998). Love, Covenant and Meaning. Vancouver, B.C.: Regent College Publishing.
Popenoe, D., (2000). "The State of our Unions 2000: The Social Health of Marriage in America." The National Marriage Project.
Wattenberg, B., (2001, March 7). "Hiding the Population Implosion." New York Post, p. 27.
Reverend Michael P. Orsi, a priest of the Diocese of Camden, N.J., is the author of four books and many articles. He has served as Assistant Chancellor and Director of the Family Life Bureau. Fr. Orsi has a Ph.D. in education from Fordham University. He is presently serving as Chaplain and Research Fellow in Law and Religion at Ave Maria School of Law, Ann Arbor, Michigan. His last article in HPR appeared in July 2001.
© Ignatius Press 2001.
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