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african wife-beaters urged to practice "safe-sox" By Diogenes | March 18, 2009

The Association of Compassionate Christian Caregivers today severely criticized traditional Catholic teaching on marital "love" and called upon the churches to encourage wife-beating Africans to take the "prudent, practical steps" to reduce the risk of HIV infection when assailing their spouses.

"The science is not in doubt" says Fizzy Osbourne, spokesman for the International Planned Widowhood Federation, "all the evidence shows that bare fists used to pummel infected spouses cause skin ruptures that increase the rate of transmission to the uninfected partner."

AIDS experts advise uninfected wife-beaters to don leather bag-mitts -- ideally on top of and in addition to standard latex gloves -- before striking their HIV-positive wives. Knuckle abrasion and random laceration can be reduced by as much as 94%, which significantly decreases exposure of the aggressor to contaminated blood.

Pre-nuptial workshops in many parts of Africa also instruct future husbands in low-risk striking techniques (Safe-Socks). Most external bleeding ensues from straight punches delivered to the angular parts of the face, especially the eyebrows, teeth, and nasal cartilage. Hooks, uppercuts, and body-shots, on the other hand, rarely break the skin and therefore seldom cause bleeding of the kind that can spatter onto the "active" partner and put him at risk of infection.

Scientists and other specialists in AIDS transmission are dismayed that Vatican ultra-conservatives continue to ignore their findings and insist that all persons -- even unlettered Angolans and even when HIV-negative -- refrain in all circumstances from acts of physical violence against their spouses.

"Preaching charity will NOT solve the problem!" says Osbourne. "We need to work with the reality of where these people are. These are Africans, for God's sake, not persons capable of understanding and following a moral norm. It is irresponsible of the Pope to teach otherwise."

The ACCC was joined by Zero Population Growth and Prof Josef Fritzl in accusing the Catholic Church of "increasing death" by its insistence on charity. "It's about the children," sniffed Fritzl. "I believe all children deserve a father. Yet how many thousands of fathers have died and left orphans behind them -- simply because they were frightened by the Church into leaving off their gloves when thumping the old woman?

South African Bishop Reggie Cawcutt was unavailable for comment.
 

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• Posted by: wvcatholic - Mar. 18, 2009 5:44 PM ET USA

  Great. I was using the exact same analogy previously when discussing this issue.

• Posted by: Gil125 - Mar. 18, 2009 2:49 PM ET USA

  Great one! It should be sent as a letter to the editor of every newspaper that printed an attack on what the Pope said, disguised, of course, as a straight news story.