Click here to advertise on

carried away

By Diogenes (articles ) | May 05, 2006

With its ban on condoms the Church has caused the death of millions of Catholics and others in areas dominated by Catholic missionaries, in Africa and right across the world. -- Polly Toynbee, UK Guardian

How does papal teaching on marriage increase the spread of AIDS, as so many of our betters would have us believe? Simple: it's only natural -- in the view of Toynbees -- that people who habitually put their souls in jeopardy by mortally sinful sex are going to be seized in mediis rebus by scruples and -- in obedience to Vatican directives -- put their lives at risk as well, i.e., by refusing a condom. The conversation transcribed below (recorded in a tin shack in Soweto at the behest of the Rockefeller Foundation) concisely and clearly illustrates the chain of reasoning that so worries public health experts and makes them so critical of the Catholic Church:

Amos: Andrew darling, as a fellow unlettered sub-Saharan African labourer with limited socio-cultural horizons who is tangled in the throes of ignoble passion, would you consider joining me in an act of unnatural vice before dinner?

Andy: Only too pleased, my dear chap. You realize of course this contravenes every canon of human decency?

Amos: Quite. Would you prefer to bat or bowl?

Andy: The latter, thank you for asking. I say, you don't mind my donning a latex prophylactic device -- having first checked the expiry date and inspected the integrity of the wrapper -- do you? I entertained some Namibian truckers last week who were indefatigably sportifs, and, to be truthful, I don't feel entirely good about my auto-immune system.

Amos: Andrew, how could you even suggest such a thing! You know perfectly well condom use is reprobated by Casti Connubii. I mean it's one thing to damn oneself or expose oneself to a painful death by infection, and quite another to disobey the Holy See. One has one's standards, after all.

Andy: Indeed, indeed! In the transports of lust I momentarily forgot myself, my dear Amos, please believe me. Not to be a bore about it, but you won't mention this prophylactic business to my wife, will you? She's a Free Church Presbyterian and quite impossibly pedantic about adhering to the Vatican line in these matters.

Amos: Wouldn't dream of it, old boy.

If you make the effort strenuously enough, you can eventually come to take it seriously, in the manner of Lewis Carroll's famous character who coached herself to believe as many as six impossible things before breakfast. Here too, I admit, it helps to be a White Queen.

An appeal from our founder, Dr. Jeffrey Mirus:

Dear reader: If you found the information on this page helpful in your pursuit of a better Catholic life, please support our work with a donation. Your donation will help us reach seven million Truth-seeking readers worldwide this year. Thank you!

Progress toward our April expenses ($33,195 to go):
$35,000.00 $1,805.25
95% 5%
Sound Off! supporters weigh in.

All comments are moderated. To lighten our editing burden, only current donors are allowed to Sound Off. If you are a donor, log in to see the comment form; otherwise please support our work, and Sound Off!

Show 6 Comments? (Hidden)Hide Comments
  • Posted by: hUMPTY dUMPTY - May. 06, 2006 6:26 AM ET USA

    Suggest the New York Times Magazine on 5/7/06: Multipage article on how the pro-life community is moving to overturn Griswold v. Conn, ala their incremental success with Roe v. Wade. Leading the charge are the Evangelicals with the conservative Catholics riding on their coattails and organizing skills. AMDG

  • Posted by: Pseudodionysius - May. 05, 2006 8:22 PM ET USA

    Di, It may not have been your intent, but Amos and Andy's diction bears a striking resemblance to the send up of Disney's Chip and Dale that Warner Brothers did many years back. The insufferably polite British chipmunks with the exquisite en passant table manners. I believe they were terrorizing Daffy Duck in one episode. They, apparently, lived together as bachelors. I'm crushed at the revelation.

  • Posted by: Fr T (UK) - May. 05, 2006 6:59 PM ET USA

    Poo, poor Polly. She was churning out this same tired, uninformed and untought -out stuff when Pope John Paul died (he was responsible then, said she)..... Seems she has only one tune to her fiddle and she persists in dragging her tired, balding old bow accross it - even when the strings are slack and the pegs loose.

  • Posted by: SentimentalGent - May. 05, 2006 12:47 PM ET USA

    Millions of people around the world are not dying of AIDS because of the Catholic Church banning the use of condoms. They are dying because they are not following Catholic (and Christian) Church teachings on morality, chastity, virtue, the marital covenant, and that pesky little Sixth Commandment that says, "Thou shalt not commit adultery." And since condoms inevitably fail at one time or another, it's probably safer playing Russian Roulette than having sex with someone with AIDS.

  • Posted by: Sir William - May. 05, 2006 11:28 AM ET USA

    Oh, Uncle Di --- There is so much to say about this! Brilliant....!

  • Posted by: - May. 05, 2006 9:50 AM ET USA

    Diogenes should get his own Dicastery!

Subscribe for free
Click here to advertise on
Shop Amazon

Recent Catholic Commentary

The first steps toward liturgical renewal 18 hours ago
Boycott Apple? No; the effort is doomed to fail. 21 hours ago
Church Fathers: St. Justin Martyr March 31
Zooming toward Easter March 31
Why homosexuals need not worry over the Indiana law March 31

Top Catholic News

Most Important Stories of the Last 30 Days
Pope announces Jubilee: a Year of Mercy CWN - March 13