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what we know about the next pope

By Diogenes (articles ) | Apr 05, 2005

CWN has learned, through confidential sources deep inside the Vatican, that the next Pope will be a Catholic.

Oh, you're not surprised?

Then maybe you're not a member of We Are Church, WomynChurch, EcoChurch, or any of the other groups now emerging to lobby-- uselessly but noisily-- for the selection of a Roman Pontiff who will ordain women, make abortion a sacrament, strike the 6th and 9th commandments from the decalogue, and canonize Che Guevera.

It won't happen. You know that. I know that. Now if we can just find a way to get the point across to the American mass media...

Much has been made about the fact that John Paul II issued red hats to nearly all of the men who will choose his successor. If you run down the list of cardinals, you realize that they are definitely not clones of the late Pope. But they are all alike in this respect: they're Catholics, too.

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  • Posted by: Abraham Tolemahcs - Apr. 06, 2005 9:14 AM ET USA

    Sorry. When this idea was proposed by the Congregation Of Neo Deviated Outre' Morality chaired by Cardinal Mahoney, the recommendation was made that Fox News surrender their vote to MTV in order to give the younger generation a voice in selecting a new pope, one who would be more tolerant and open to reexamining humanae vitae in light of changing social conditions in the world.

  • Posted by: Psalms - Apr. 05, 2005 7:44 PM ET USA

    I realize that we know that the next Pope will be an Catholic ordained male. That he is orthodox or not will also be in the eyes of the judging beholder. I sit in a diocese with a removed homosexual Bishop, protected by a Bishop who is now faced with the scandles of his top officals being active in the gay community. We want a man who will listen, change Bishops when needed and stop the madness of evil that is distroying our Church from the inside.

  • Posted by: benedictusoblatus - Apr. 05, 2005 7:30 PM ET USA

    I have to agree with Charles. There are a few cardinals that I am convinced are NOT Catholic. My great hope is the next pope will take the name Pius XIII and ask these "pseudo-Catholics" to leave their red hats on their way out the door - the door leading to the banishment they richly deserve.

  • Posted by: John J Plick - Apr. 05, 2005 4:35 PM ET USA

    Repeating myself get wearisome I suppose the Scriptural quote regarding the "stone" breaking and crushing was a bit too strong? Well how about "Hell???" What about the "Second Death" and the "Lake of Fire?" Catholic fairy-tales to scare people? I don't think so... We need more discipline in the Catholic Church IN ORDER TO SAVE PEOPLE "Teddy-bear religion..." and moral chaos in the Church.. How God stands us sometimes I just don't know.. We need MORE than a "Catholic"

  • Posted by: sparch - Apr. 05, 2005 3:58 PM ET USA

    To Abraham: AMEN!

  • Posted by: Novus744 - Apr. 05, 2005 3:04 PM ET USA

    Abraham, PLEASE tell me you're joking...

  • Posted by: Charles134 - Apr. 05, 2005 11:31 AM ET USA

    I have no doubt the next pope wil be a Catholic. The Holy Spirit will take care of that. I'm less convinced that all the cardinals are Catholics.

  • Posted by: Abraham Tolemahcs - Apr. 05, 2005 10:13 AM ET USA

    In the spirit of ecumenism and open-mindedness how about the cardinals allowing a religious figure from each of the major religions as well as a representative from each of the major US TV networks (minus Fox News of course) to vote for the next pope? Then everyone would be happy!

  • Posted by: - Apr. 05, 2005 9:39 AM ET USA

    Here's another news flash -- the next Pope will be male.

  • Posted by: patriot6908 - Apr. 05, 2005 9:07 AM ET USA

    What else do these obnoxious grandstanders have to do with their meaningless lives? Their first priority is to foster victimhood upon themselves and their ilk, and then to convince the rest of society just how great life will be when women can consecrate the Eucharist. Like the vanguard of the proletariat, they are the vanguard for their own egos, lack of substance, and shallow thought.

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