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What a sex therapist might say to a bishop:

By Diogenes (articles ) | Mar 02, 2004

OK, your Eminence. The Review Board was critical of my operation because we let a few get loose and we were bought off in a few cases. But look at it this way, you had an explosion on your hands from the late 60s well into the 80s-- so says the John Jay report. We took 90% of your problem and we fixed it. As I see it, that's pretty good damage control.

How did we fix it? Boys to men; the perps are no longer hitting on boys, they're down at Dupont Circle now, more or less minding their own business. There's a lot less legal liability in Dupont Circle than there is in the rectories with the crumb crunchers.

You wanted us to fix the problem and we did. By any mental health standard 90% success is complete success. As for Bishop XXXX.... we are mental health professionals, we re-program for sexual targeting, so if the perp likes the boys we can get him to like men, if he likes little girls, we can get him to like men, if he likes big girls, we can get him to like men. You see, the old guys have been at this for years, and they're not into lawsuits. As for Archbishop XXXXXXXX, we can't use therapy to instill a common sense that was never there to begin with.

As for complete abstinence, no competent psychologist believes in that. Only the nutcases use complete abstinence as part of their treatment--besides, the nuns that use it get anorexia.

So the way I see it, your Eminence, you have a billion dollars in legal liabilities right now, but without me, you'd be looking at six or seven billion. I think that makes me a bargain.

To hell with the National Review Board. The AIDS treatments are a lot cheaper than the liability payouts, and your medical carrier picks them up anyway.

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Show 5 Comments? (Hidden)Hide Comments
  • Posted by: Pseudodionysius - Mar. 02, 2004 9:42 PM ET USA

    Karen, Couldn't agree with you more -- in fact, I"d pay for a "Best of Diogenes" book/CD combo that I could listen to while I drive to work narrated by some distinguished orator. I also would like to see Diogenes go straight to Red Hat Cardinal so that, should he be young enough, he's immediately papabile.

  • Posted by: Fr. William - Mar. 02, 2004 8:17 PM ET USA

    Off the Record editor, please note correction to previous entry. Brutal, Diogenes, brutal. Made me laugh and cry at the same time because there's so much truth to the scenario. Let's keep praying for the successors to the Apostles and keep reminding them who God is calling them to be for His Church.

  • Posted by: Canonigo Regular - Mar. 02, 2004 7:56 PM ET USA

    What are "crumb crunchers"?

  • Posted by: AveMaria580 - Mar. 02, 2004 2:55 PM ET USA

    If they ever do allow the laity to elect bishops, I'm going to nominate Diogenes. Diogenes should be given one year with all the authority needed to clean up the episcopate. It is always so refreshing to have a few sane voices in the midst of all this insanity. That's on of the reasons I subscribe to CWN and CWR.

  • Posted by: Fr. William - Mar. 02, 2004 12:06 PM ET USA

    Brutal, Diogenes, brutal. Made me laugh and cry at the same time because there's so much truth to the scenario. Let's keep praying for the successors to the Apostles and keep reminding them who God is calling them to be for the His Church.

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