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College More Catholic Than Ever, Exec Claims

By Diogenes (articles ) | Feb 03, 2004

BETHESDA (CWN) "Claver College's Catholic identity has never been stronger!" boasted Public Relation's dean Rev. Buck Shotwell, as he sat in his office overlooking the shady Claver campus. "Of course, you'll always have a few malcontent alums who cry wolf at any changes," he conceded, "but they tend to be 'red meat and rosary' types with thick necks who think Jesus taught his apostles the Nicene creed. Thank god most of us have gotten beyond that."

Shotwell dismissed charges that CC had grown away from the Catholic Church as "preposterous," and was able to point to several areas where the College's affinity to the institutional Church has increased from the putative "glory days" of the past. He explained that CC's Director of University Food Services, for example, was previously employed by the Cardinal Archbishop of Seville, a prelate known to be highly esteemed in Vatican circles.

Shotwell said that a survey of campus life conducted by the Office of Student Affairs belies the claim that today's students are less committed to their faith than their predecessors. In 1939, according to the report, the time daily spent in prayer by the average student and the average faculty member varied by a ratio of 1:3.7. In 2002, the ratio was 1:1.3. "Proof," Shotwell insisted, "that the religious devotion of our students has ascended to the level where it is for all intents and purposes indistinguishable from the priests who instruct them -- what Catholic college of the Forties could say the same?"

Asked what the initials on the school crest stood for, Shotwell paused and furrowed his brow. "Ad Mary Daly Gloriam, I think," he answered, "or something that sounds like that. You might ask our chaplain, of course. She went to Brandeis."

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Show 9 Comments? (Hidden)Hide Comments
  • Posted by: Fr. William - Feb. 07, 2004 4:21 PM ET USA

    Great satire, Diogenes. I enjoyed reading it and even laughed loudly a few times. Yet, I was also saddened by the fact that your parody is so close to the truth for Boston College and many (although not all) Roman Catholic colleges/universities and their faculty/administrators. Thank God the Father, Son and Holy Spirit, for the few orthodox colleges/universities (Christendom/Ave Maria/Stuebenville/Thomas Aquinas, others), and for the few orthodox faculty who persevere at traitorous institutions.

  • Posted by: - Feb. 04, 2004 7:29 PM ET USA

    I'm guessing this must be a parody of something that came out of Boston College recently.

  • Posted by: AveMaria580 - Feb. 04, 2004 12:57 PM ET USA

    "Rev. Buck Shotwell" (that's good) must be getting his definitions from Mary Daly's "Wickedary". She defines priest as "any of the members of the hierarchies/liarchies of partriarchy, charged with Holy Orders to perform the necrophilic rites of the sadosociety." It's always so fascinating to see how the degeneration of one gender causes the degeneration of the other. The sexes are complimentary. Maybe the Shotwell types feel they have to tone down the brain power to compliment the rad femmes

  • Posted by: frjimc - Feb. 04, 2004 8:47 AM ET USA

    You google bethesda & claver and there's no such college. Clever, Claver.... I especially liked the 'ad Mary Daly gloriam' bit -- a hoot if you were not one of the unfortunate (male or orthodox) souls to have suffered under her at Boston College lo (not) so many years ago.

  • Posted by: - Feb. 04, 2004 8:23 AM ET USA

    I certainly got that impression. No Claver College in US.

  • Posted by: - Feb. 04, 2004 6:22 AM ET USA

    Please, Diogenes: This is satire, yes?

  • Posted by: - Feb. 04, 2004 5:04 AM ET USA

    "Ad Mary Daly Gloriam"! Can an ignoramus (Rev. Shotwell) truly be the PR man of this pseudo Catholic College. Unfortunately most would not be aware of the depth of his ignorance since Latin has gone out of the window. I am always very perturbed by anyone claiming to be a "Chaplin" who is not an ordained priest. Until very recently, this kind of nonsense would have been unheard of. I must brush up on my first aid course - I might be called in to perform major surgery very soon!

  • Posted by: lrslattery - Feb. 03, 2004 3:56 PM ET USA

    The 2002 ration of time spent in prayer of 1 to 1.3 is hardly proof that anyone is praying more than students were in 1939. In fact, if I were a betting man :-), it's entirely possible that everyone is praying significantly less. What would be more meaningful, instead of this statistical "proof" is the actual amount of time, on average, (hours, minutes, seconds?) that students and faculty prayed - both in 2002 and in 1939. Would that data be forthcoming? AMDG! Lord have mercy on us!

  • Posted by: Pseudodionysius - Feb. 03, 2004 3:10 PM ET USA

    Rev Buckshot forgot to mention that us red meat types also enjoy the prayer to that thick-necked St Michael the Archangel instead of attending centering prayer class and yoga. Vae Victus

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