Top Ten Reasons for Thinking Your Pastor is an Archconservative
10. Says, "the Holy Father" instead of "this current pope"
9. Earring in neither ear
8. Genuflects before tabernacle when church is empty
7. No "Visualize World Peace" bumper sticker on the CYO van
6. Wears jeans only when changing shock absorbers
5. Can recite Apostles' Creed without a crib card
4. Fails to hide videos and DVDs when his mother visits
3. Celebrates more than four consecutive masses without "On Eagle's Wings"
2. Omits mention of Magic Johnson in Prayers of the Faithful
1. Breviary "just opens" to Invitatory
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