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I Just…Can’t…Take it Anymore!

By Peter Mirus (bio - articles - email) | Sep 21, 2006

Here we are in late 2006 and I’m already sick of hearing about the 2008 presidential election. In part, this is because I consider it extremely unlikely that Catholics will have a decent, upstanding candidate to vote for. However, it is mostly because at “election time” I find it difficult to ignore the lamentable ignorance, lies, and damned lies repeated by “Catholic” politicians.

For example, take the Kerry campaign in 2004. While the evil two-headed monster (that is, the Democratic Party PR wagon and the secular news media) was blissfully patting Kerry on the back for playing a hybrid version of the “Kennedy Card” combined with the erroneous appeal to the primacy of conscience ostensibly promoted in the documents of Vatican II, I was shouting at the television and trying not to be unprintable in front of my wife.

These are the kinds of emotions that wear one out quickly, and when I hear that Kerry will, to the apparent joy of many, perhaps be running again in 2008, I feel like sounding political retreat until pro-abortion, pro-contraception “Catholics” (and our like-minded separated brethren) have failed to repopulate themselves. After all, what have these folks brought to the Church (and to the world at large) but things evil and inhuman, such as their command to spread by scalpel and suction the faith they preach?

(Incidentally, before we have another epic international crisis on our hands, I apologize if the foregoing remarks have offended anybody. But seriously, if you want to talk to the Church you have to be reasonable, id est, stop killing babies!)

However, I tend to be moody. I’m already starting to recover from these negative feelings! In fact, I’m now ready to participate in one more election and hope that we get a moral candidate who is genuinely pro-life before I jump ship and start looking around for somebody to start a new, alternative political party for 2012.

I know you are thinking that I would make an ideal candidate, but let’s squash that rumor before it starts. Let it be known that I’m willing, but unsuitable. I’m too young, am relatively homely by all reasonable standards, and have no political experience to hang my hat on. So let’s nip that idea in the bud, because it wouldn’t be prudent.

On the other hand…

I am pro-life. I won’t act like a weasel and abandon my Faith in moments of crisis. I won’t lie. If I’m proven to be wrong about something that was really just anybody’s best guess at the time, I’ll admit it. If my first term has proven me to be generally incompetent, I simply won’t run for reelection thereby saving my party and constituency from the ignominy of scrapping an incumbent party member.

To wrap up my qualifications:

I am truly fiscally responsible candidate (called a penny-pincher by some); I don’t just play one on TV.

I believe that we are in an ideological war on two fronts, against both secularism and Islam.

So I say unto you, People of America, Moral Heartland Dwellers, and 100 Faithful Catholics in the San Francisco Bay Area—if I were to be elected, I would strive to bring morality back to America and thereby give the United States an ideological leg on which to stand!

But sadly, I will not be running.

By now you have surely discerned that this particular article is about humor found in the midst of frustration, and not necessarily anything substantial.

So I have one last thing to impart. Of course speculation regarding the names of potential presidential candidates from both side of the aisle has been running through the news of late. That is what made me think of Kerry and other pro-abortion Catholic politicians. But what made me find something humorous about Kerry, raising my spirits to the point where I could reclaim my humor and write this article? I’ll tell you, because it is a funny story.

I often take evening walks through my neighborhood, and earlier this week we were enjoying particularly brilliant weather, so I decided to hoof it. Now, on my evening walks I always pass by the house of a remote neighbor who has a German Shepherd fenced in his backyard (and no, this is not going to be a Benedict XVI joke).

No doubt this dog is devoted and docile with family and friends, but he is definitely a turf bully when it comes to strangers, and I am always, unless wearing dark clothes and soundless shoes—and walking slowly on the far side of the street—barked at in a particularly ferocious manner when in the vicinity.

On this particular occasion, however, the barking was different. Each WOOF was followed by a SQUA-WEEK-AH, such as one might hear when squeezing a rubber duck and then releasing it. WOOF, SQUEAK, WOOF, SQUEAK.

You can’t help but laugh when encountering something like this, and I did (loudly), which only served to antagonize the dog and the WOOFing became louder and the SQUEAKing became more frantic. Upon further investigation, it turned out that the dog did have a large rubber duck in its mouth. It woofed once, and then had to bite down hard on the duck to retain possession of it—hence the squeak. WOOF, SQUEAK, breathe, and repeat.

The dog, which had previously seemed menacing and obnoxious, no longer appeared to be quite the intimidating figure that he was before. And it was this odd contrast of: a.) barking, egotistical, evil, animal rhetoric; and b.) childish, pathetic, insecurity—that made me think of Kerry. The poor dog wants to be serious, but when he opens his mouth to talk about Catholicism it is WOOF, SQUEAK, WOOF, SQUEAK. No matter how many votes he gets, and how big his bark becomes, he will still be penned in his moral fence of absurdity, and his squeak will continue to grow more frantic.

And it made me realize that life is funny as well as frustrating.

Oddly, it also reminded me that God knows what he is doing. Kerry and all politicians who advocate evil policies in the name of truth and freedom of conscience are a punishment to others, but they are also a punishment to themselves. Evil acts are self-punishing and unfruitful; good acts are always rewarded and always fruitful. In a way, God has created a world that is self-balancing (if you will). Is it too optimistic to think that we are moving close to the tipping point, and that things will soon start to swing the other way?

An appeal from our founder, Dr. Jeffrey Mirus:

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